Friday, February 17, 2012
There have been several deaths in my life so far this year and just yesterday brought the loss of my sweet cat Molly.
Molly didn't start out as my cat in this life, but she became my cat. It's actually a long story on how she came to live with me, but it isn't worth going into all the details. I'll just say that when my partner and I moved in together, she came along shortly after. Molly was born on my partner's lap five or six years earlier.
It became clear to me, rather quickly, that Molly was a special cat. She was a healer. Anytime someone was sick she would go and lay with them. My daughter was sick a lot when she was little and anytime she was under the weather, Molly would find a way to be with her, lay next to her, and help her to feel better.
This was a behavior she repeated over and over again.
She was also a kitten. I mean, when she became a part of my life she was five or six, but she always seemed like a kitten. Not that she was a small cat. She wasn't. She was huge, fluffy, and black. But there was something young and spry about her energy.
Sitting with her at the vet's office yesterday as she struggled to breathe was difficult. Her energy was diminished and she seemed like a different cat. After she was gone I didn't want to leave her body there. I was worried that she would be lonely. Even though intellectually I knew that she really wasn't there anymore.
Pagans hold death so differently than most other people. There is an acknowledgment of sadness and the loss and yet, there is also an understanding that this is what happens. I get that although her body is no longer alive, her energy has gone somewhere.
I feel like I should be okay with death, but I'm not really sure what that means. I've lost pets, family members, friends, and community member in the past two months. It's been hard, and yet, until Molly, none of the losses felt real. I have yet to experience the loss of a human that is close to me. I wonder how different it will feel and how I will handle it.
Okay, this post is starting to feel a little rant-y and lost....I don't think I even know how to say what I want to say. I'm just looking at life very differently this morning.