Friday, May 29, 2009

Is There Really Such a Thing as Balance?

Balance, balance, balance. I need to get my life into balance. I need to try to balance work and home. I need to balance my needs with the needs of everyone else in my life. I need to find my own balance with all I need to accomplish.

Is it just me, or does it seem like 'balance' has become some sort of crazy buzz word and has lost all meaning? I hear so often (many times from my own mouth) that balance is needed. As if balance is the secret to a happy life. And maybe it is, but is it really possible?

When I think of balance I think of riding a bike, or walking on a balance beam. They say (whomever they are) that once you learn how to ride a bike you can always ride a bike. It has been my experience that this is true, but learning to ride a bike does take a certain amount of balance. You have to learn to hold your body in the middle, not leaning to far to the left or the right, or else you splat onto the pavement, no fun.

The same is true for a balance beam, but there is one more trick with the beam. Not only do you have to find that middle point not putting too much of your weight to the left or the right, but you cannot look down. (Booyah, for my two weeks of gymnastics classes when I was 8.) On the balance beam you are supposed to look at a point ahead of you and not at the ground or to your sides.

What's your point Red? Well it is this.....I find myself trying so hard to stay in balance or find my balance that I am so totally not in balance. I am sure that if this is a problem for me it has got to be a problem for someone else right? I am so busy leaning to the left and over correcting to the right, which forces me to lean to to the left again that I have taken my eye off of the goal. I am so caught up on trying not to fall over that I am not really getting anywhere, just swerving dangerously around on the road. If I don't fall over on my own a truck will probably hit me, either way, no thanks.

I need to stop putting so much energy on trying to find the balance and more on getting to the goal, a sort of combo between the bike and the beam. I need to focus on the end point, pushing one petal down after another. Keeping the flow and rhythm of the bike moving forward towards my end target. I think the balance will happen naturally once I am moving forward.

At least that is what happens when I am on my bike.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Strange Dream Phone Calls

Yesterday we found a lizard on the floor in our kitchen. I always take it as some sort of sign when I see an animal somewhere that seems 'out of place'. So I looked up lizard in one of my favorite books Animal Speak, by Ted Andrews.

It seems that lizard deals with dream time. Also with intuition and listening to your instincts. It just so happens that last night I had a strange dream.

My dad was in the dream. He was telling me something about phone cards and wanting to give them to me. In the dream I said "yeah, yeah, whatever" and went about my business of dreaming. Then in my dream a phone rang...'brrring brrring'. I looked down at my dream cell phone and noticed a '415' area code was calling. I don't really know anyone from the '415' area code, but in my dream I answered the dream phone anyway. It was my dad calling. He was testing out the phone cards he had been telling me about and wanted me to see how great they worked.

It was then at 3:13am that my actual real life cell phone started to ring. I don't normally leave my cell phone in my room at night, but somehow it ended up being in there. I grabbed my phone and saw a number I didn't know so I ignored the call assuming that it was someone calling a wrong number. I tried to go back to sleep. Ten minutes later at 3:23am my actual really life cell phone started to ring again. I looked at my phone and saw that it was a '415' area code calling. I got scared. I mean really scared, like breaking out in a sweat scared. I tried to shut off my phone, but I was having a hard time getting it to turn off. I figured it was just because I was so tired.

I finally got the phone to shut off, but I could not fall back asleep. I lay in bed thinking of what it all meant and who it was that was calling me and WHY. I kicked myself for not answering the phone, but I also felt justified because I was still feeling scared over it.

In the morning I had a voice mail message. I was rather eager to hear what message might have been left. I was actually expecting to hear the drunk voice of someone who had dialed the wrong number. You can imagine my disappointment when the message was of nothing, no words, no voices, nothing.

My husband thinks I should have answered the phone. Part of me thinks I should have too. I was just so afraid I could not move past my fear. I think that is the lesson. In order to succeed I have to push past my fear and answer to who is calling for me. I can only hope that they will call back.......

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Unemployment - Day Three

It has been three business days since I have had any business to deal with. I have not yet had the opportunity to fully enjoy sitting on my arse enjoying day time television, but yesterday was close. (And yes I know it has only been three days and really today is day three...)

Friday was spent busily getting my Beltane things together for the ritual that night. (Which was wonderful, thanks for asking.) Yesterday I tried to stay pretty mellow. No sleeping in for me, because I had to take the kids to school, but I got a chance to finish a painting that I have been working on and I also got to enjoy a slightly altered state for a few hours all on my own.

Today I feel like I should be doing something. Yes, it has only been three days, but I am supposed to be using this time to start my new life. I should be busy, like, doing that. I feel like three days have gone by and I have already wasted so much time. (Will I ever stop being so hard on myself?)

I have some lame, mundane, crap that I need to do around the house. I wanted to empty and re-organize the file cabinet (Whoo! Watch out for excitement!) I have to work on the guest bathroom because it would be a total embarrassment if we had anyone ever come over, which we don't. Things like that....but what I really want to do is watch One Life to Live, not shower, and become a total vegetable. The problem with this is that I know myself. Once I head down the lazy path, it will hard to come back from it.

So this morning I actually went to the gym. I worked out for almost 40 minutes (YES, count them, forty minutes!). I am writing a blog and I am going to shower at some point, I promise. I made plans to have lunch with a friend on Thursday and I am getting my hair done on Friday. Saturday I am taking a ritual mask class, which should be amazingly awesome. (Wow, who am I?)

So yes, I am staring my new life.....with all the bells and whistles. Just gimmie some time to figure out what exactly that is supposed to mean, alright?