Monday, September 28, 2009

Damn You T.V.!!!!

When I posted my last blog saying good-bye to my television I never would have guessed that it would become the topic of a second even more pathetic blog....Yet here I am!

There has only been one time in the past that I lived without cable television. Many, many moons ago when I lived out on the river, I didn't have cable. The reason for this was two-fold. 1) I could not really afford another bill, and 2) I was like, a totally anti-television hippy, yo. I think the no television stint only lasted about four months before I finally broke down and got cable. (Obviously not a very good, like, total, anti-television hippy, yo.)
Now this time I have only taken the T.V. out of my bedroom, it is not like I have cancelled the cable completely (cause the kids would kill me). But I have been feeling such a pathetic longing for the freakin T.V. it is making me crazy!

The thing is I don't even watch that much T.V. I don't know the story lines of any popular shows. I have never seen Desperate Housewives, or Dancing with the Stars, or whatever is raking in the rating right now. I just like to have the Tube on in the background. I like the noise of it. I like to have the little flashing lights in the darkness of my bedroom as I am falling asleep. I understand that having that constant flash and noise is actually not really good for the brain and sleep. I understand that the television is a total distraction. Helping me avoid dealing with my issues, or work.

So, what is the point?

Television has become a drug for me that takes my attention away from the crap that I don't want to look at. Sometimes for only half an hour, sometimes an hour and sometimes all darn day. It is like any other drug when abused. People become addicted to the drink, marijuana, coke, meth, whatever, because it helps them to dull the pain, and avoid dealing with reality. I think that T.V. does the same thing for me. I can get hooked into the lives and drama of the people in the glowing box, allowing me to not feel my feelings, or look at my shadows....instead I can just look and theirs, which is so much easier after all.

This last year has been a year of tremendous growth for me, spiritually speaking. I am stretching in ways that I have always wanted to, but didn't think possible. It is so exciting and so scary. I have worked myself into a place of spiritual rawness. Sometimes it feels amazing to be able to breathe without my home made cloak of B.S. wrapped around me, but other times it is incredibly painful to take a breathe through the rawness of it.

Right now I am on a plateau, looking back at the vast expanse that I have crossed to get here. It is good, but I am exhausted. Instead of taking this time to reflect, celebrate, process what has brought me to this place, I am hiding in the story lines of Roseanne reruns.
I never thought that taking the T.V. out of my bedroom would reveal this hidden trove of personal crap, but the Gods work in mysterious ways.

Hello, my name is Red and I have a T.V. addiction.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Good-Bye My Love

Dear Day Time Television,

Everyone knows how much I love you. I love you so much one could consider it an obsession. I love your sense of humor. No matter how blue I might be feeling there is something you can show me to cheer me up and make me laugh. And on the other hand when I need to get some emotions out you always give me the space to cry. You are smart, funny, in touch with your feelings, clever, and generous....of course that depends on what channel I am watching.
Keeping all of that in mind there is something I need to tell you. We have to stop seeing each other.
I know, I know. I have said it before and have always ended up crawling back at a moment of weakness or boredom, but things are different this time. I see now that you are not just a huge waste of time, but a destructive relationship. I find myself sitting in front of your beautiful glowing box flipping through the channels until my eyes cross, letting hour after hour just float on by while my brain stops functioning. I mean yeah it feels good sometimes, but I think it is getting a little excessive.
You are starting to get in the way of my dreams and desires. Instead of working on the things I want to do in my greater life I am throwing my time away with you. You are not helping me advance and you don't really support me. Everything you have to offer is completely superficial. I need to stop letting you interfere and distract me from my goals.
So this is it. It will be hard. I know that I will be tempted, but you are getting kicked out of my bedroom and that is just the first step. It is time for me to say good-bye to Todd Manning, Marty Thornheart, Dorian Kramer and the whole crew at OLTL. It is time to shut down What Not to Wear. And the most difficult will be kissing the Charmed Sisters for the last time. You girls I will miss most of all. But trust me this is for the best.

With all my heart,


Thursday, September 3, 2009

So Angry

Lately I have been super angry, like all the time. I wake up feeling pissed off. When one of the kids asks me a question I feel irritated for being interrupted (even if I am only playing solitare). Not that I have ever been a patient driver, but even my road rage seems to have escalated. I can recognize the anger when I am in it. I can take a step back and see that I am being unreasonable. I can watch the seething happening, but no matter how hard I try to look below the anger to see where it might be stemming from I just can't seem to get under it. What is worse than that....when I am feeling mad, I don't want to look deeper, I just want to be mad.

Since returning from WitchCamp I have noticed when I am sad, depressed, angry, or really any non-serving emotion, I can take a step back and look at the situation from an outside perspective, but I choose to not change the negative behavior. Which only leads me to feel frustrated with myself thus leading to more negative behavior. It is a vicious cycle.

When discussing this recently with a friend they suggested that maybe my anger is a result of not being grateful for things I do have. He suggested that I think of five things to be grateful for every morning before getting started, a little addition to my typical morning routine. This is an exercise that I have done before and found helpful, but when he first gave me this bit of advice what I first felt was an overwhelming urge to tell him to piss off....I mean who do you think you are anyway?

But after a few days had passed and I was able to let go of my wounded pride for a bit I thought that I would give it a shot. I mean, it can't hurt, right?

So this morning when one of this kids was annoyingly singing over the sound of the radio making me want to kick her out of the car, or perhaps just shoot her (immediately deciding this would be too messy and too difficult to explain...well she was singing.....)....I instead took a couple of breaths and thought of five things to be grateful for right-that-minute....1. I am grateful that I have a functioning car, 2. I am grateful that I am able to drive afore mentioned car, 3. I am grateful for breathing, 4. I am grateful to be alive, and of course 5. I am grateful that I am able to hear anything at all.

You may be asking yourself if this little exercise helped to diminish my anger? Well, maybe a little, but not as much as I had hoped. Maybe this sort of thing just takes practice? So I am going to continue giving it a try. In the meantime I truly hope that I don't kill anyone....(fingers crossed.)