Lately I have been super angry, like all the time. I wake up feeling pissed off. When one of the kids asks me a question I feel irritated for being interrupted (even if I am only playing solitare). Not that I have ever been a patient driver, but even my road rage seems to have escalated. I can recognize the anger when I am in it. I can take a step back and see that I am being unreasonable. I can watch the seething happening, but no matter how hard I try to look below the anger to see where it might be stemming from I just can't seem to get under it. What is worse than that....when I am feeling mad, I don't want to look deeper, I just want to be mad.
Since returning from WitchCamp I have noticed when I am sad, depressed, angry, or really any non-serving emotion, I can take a step back and look at the situation from an outside perspective, but I choose to not change the negative behavior. Which only leads me to feel frustrated with myself thus leading to more negative behavior. It is a vicious cycle.
When discussing this recently with a friend they suggested that maybe my anger is a result of not being grateful for things I do have. He suggested that I think of five things to be grateful for every morning before getting started, a little addition to my typical morning routine. This is an exercise that I have done before and found helpful, but when he first gave me this bit of advice what I first felt was an overwhelming urge to tell him to piss off....I mean who do you think you are anyway?
But after a few days had passed and I was able to let go of my wounded pride for a bit I thought that I would give it a shot. I mean, it can't hurt, right?
So this morning when one of this kids was annoyingly singing over the sound of the radio making me want to kick her out of the car, or perhaps just shoot her (immediately deciding this would be too messy and too difficult to explain...well she was singing.....)....I instead took a couple of breaths and thought of five things to be grateful for right-that-minute....1. I am grateful that I have a functioning car, 2. I am grateful that I am able to drive afore mentioned car, 3. I am grateful for breathing, 4. I am grateful to be alive, and of course 5. I am grateful that I am able to hear anything at all.
You may be asking yourself if this little exercise helped to diminish my anger? Well, maybe a little, but not as much as I had hoped. Maybe this sort of thing just takes practice? So I am going to continue giving it a try. In the meantime I truly hope that I don't kill anyone....(fingers crossed.)