Monday, December 31, 2012

Not a Resolution List, Really

Ok, so maybe this is more like a personal journal entry, rather than a blog post.  Maybe I should start out with "Dear Diary", but there is something about putting these words out to the world that makes it feel more real.

This isn't a list of resolutions.  This isn't a checklist of things that I want to accomplish in the next year.  What this is, is a list of the things that I would like to shift, change, challenge, and transform in my life.  I would like this to serve as a personal reminder for myself going forward.  A place where I can check in, see where I am, and where I might want to change trajectory.

So with that said, here we go...

  • I will improve how I communicate.  Sometimes I let emails sit too long in my inbox without response.  Sometimes I let voice mails go too long unanswered.  Sometimes I think about reaching out to someone I need/want to communicate with, but come up with a million delay tactics.  I want to return calls, emails, voice mails, etc.  I want to be a better communicator.
  • I will make better food choices.  I don't mean that I will eat right for some sort of physical reason, rather, I want to have a clear understanding of where my food comes from.  I want to make healthy choices for me and my family.  I want to help support the local economy by making smarter purchases.  But I will also be kind to myself when I don't make the best choice.  I will not beat myself up if I go to Taco Bell, order pizza, or make some other lazy meal decision; as long as it is every once and awhile and not once a week.
  • I will release grudges.  It is time to let go of the hurt that I keep inflicting on myself.  If this means letting go of relationships that make my feel yucky than so be it.  I will only let people in my life who make me feel loved and supported.  But this doesn't mean that I will just walk away when feeling challenged.  I also want to deepen intimacy and sometimes that can feel scary.  I will be clear when I am feeling scared about growing relationships or when someone is just toxic for me.
  • I will be dedicated to my work, in all its myriad forms.  I am a Priestess and a writer; in that order.  I will not let electronics interfere with my work.  I will not let myself get distracted from taking risks, putting myself out there, and doing the work that fills me up.  I will write the things that I enjoy writing and not just the things that put a few dollars in my pocket.  Ideally, I would like to earn money writing the things that I love to write.
  • I will read more than I watch television; like I used to do.  I want to stop using television and the Internet as a way to escape feelings.
  • I will get outside and experience nature.  I want to get wet at the beach.  I want to breathe fresh air.  I want to feel my connection to the earth and let that fuel my spirituality.  I want to honor the cycle of the moon and share my excitement about these things with others.
So there it is.  The six things that I will do to shift my life this year. I like that it is six things.  Six is a good number.  I think that ultimately, I want to put me first.  I want to only commit to things that make me feel good.  I want to make better choices and enjoy the choices I make.

Blessed Be! )o(

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Wait, Nothing Changed?!

The world didn't end.  Am I relieved?  Well, yes, but I am also disappointed and I will tell you why.

On Thursday, December 20th, I spent the day looking at the world as if it might be the last time I ever saw it.  I held gratefulness in my heart for running water, central heat, and electricity.  I looked at the people driving in cars and felt overcome with emotion.  I went to a restaurant for breakfast, thinking that it might be the last time I got such a simple and amazing treat in my life.  I walked through the world marveling at how simple, easy, and smooth life is for me living in California.

Before I went to bed, I set my alarm for 3 o'clock in the morning.  That was exactly eleven minutes short of the actual Solstice.  (I wanted to be awake if anything happened.)  But as we all now know, nothing happened.  Instead of the power going out, an asteroid hitting the planet, or aliens taking over; I said I prayer for peace on earth and real positive change and then went back to sleep.  I repeated this prayer at the moment of sunrise with my daughter.

There was (and is) a part of me that felt really sad about 'nothing happening', but it has led to some rather startling realizations about myself.  Of course, anytime I have a startling realization, there is some twisted part of me that feels the need to share it with the world; hence this blog.

Now that the world is moving on as it always has, I've been thinking what now.  And I've been thinking about the plans and commitments that I've made moving into 2013.  And here is what I have discovered....

Somewhere inside of me, I really believed that *something* was going to change.  Something obvious.  I've put everything in my life into a kind of holding pattern, because I figured that I wouldn't have to worry about certain things moving past the Winter Solstice of this year anyway.

What is sad, and scary, is that this belief was so ingrained, I didn't even realize that it was there.  Consciously I didn't realize that I was holding myself back in so many places.  I didn't realize that I was choosing not to do things in order to wait and see how things turned out.  I have kept myself in a half frozen existence.  Somewhere deep inside my noggin, I was forcing myself to hold back and rest up because I believed that all those creature comforts would be gone.

Now I have to face the fact that nothing happening.  Nothing.  Life is moving forward in exactly the same way that it has my entire life.  And as much as I want to feel happy about that, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

Here is how things have changed....Now I have to face reality.  I have to do the hard work of owning up to my addictions.  I have to look at how I've let myself fail.  I have to stop using my creativity to make excuses for not being creative.  I have to release the hold that I've placed on myself and actually step into action.

There is nothing scarier than that...

Friday, December 7, 2012

The End of the World

As we rapidly approach the supposed end date of the Mayan calendar I find myself vacillating between two things.  On the one hand, I feel much like I did about the whole Y2K drama.  Basically; *yawn*; this is silly, nothing is going to happen, anyone who thinks so is nutty.  And on the other hand, I find myself thinking; OMG WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!  Actually that's not true, I've not considered the fact that I could die.  Instead, I am finding myself focused on the possibility of a severe lack of the creature comforts that I have known my whole life.

And when I dig down a little deeper I am able to determine what it is I am really afraid of: people.

All of the history that I have ever been taught is filled with stories of conquering, fighting, war, taking land, and flat out aggression.  All of the history, filling textbook pages, is the writing of one society conquering another.  Hitory is told from the vantage point of the victor.  Where are the stories of peace, community, and co-creation?

This leaves me asking myself; what is in the true heart of people?  Deep down are humans solely looking for more power?  Are we williing to take what we want no matter what?  Are people just wired to be aggressive?

These questions hurt my heart.

I want to believe that if the world, as we know it, falls apart, we would band together as members of humanity and change the way we deal with each other.  I want to believe that deep down people are good and want to see others survive and thrive.  I want to believe that if the world as I know it ends, my neighborhood would band together, help each other, and find a way to create a new and better world.

So although the thought of no running water, no central heating, and no Internet bums me out; what I am really worried about is fear of scarcity, aggression, isolation; and what this would do to people's reactions.  These are my real concerns, real worries, and they go well beyond the looming date of December 21st, 2012.  I know that I can't trust the infrastructure of the world that I am used to, but can I trust the people?

Every single day I pray that I can.