Monday, March 14, 2011
Confessions of a Liar
I have a confession to make. I am a good liar. I mean a really good one. I don't know where it all started. Perhaps it was early in life when I wanted to avoid getting in trouble with my mother. Or it could have been in high school gym class when I wanted to get out of running and used my period as an excuse. (I still can't believe that one worked!) Maybe it is just ingrained in my DNA. I don't know, but as a child I saw that it work for me and kept on doing it.
Over the years I have lied to get out of trouble. I have lied to keep the peace. I have lied for self preservation. I have lied to save someones feelings. I have lied to gain something. I have lied to not loose something. I have lied to family, friends, authorities, bosses, children, you name it. I have lied.
Now I am really good at it.
The thing is for a long time I didn't even feel bad about it. I wasn't lying about big things. It's not like I ever worked for the mob or anything. I wasn't stealing or cheating anyone, at least that is what I told myself. I just told little white lies to get out of uncomfortable situations or *ahem* occasionally make myself look better.
Over the last few years I have really looked at this lying thing. I don't like it. I really don't like that there is my energy out in the world with lying attached to it. So, a few years ago, I stopped. Seriously, I stopped. It seemed almost too easy....
And now I realize it was....At the same time that I committed to stop lying I also stopped working in a corporate environment. It was almost too easy to lie to my boss and co-workers. It was too easy to B.S. my way through a project by telling little white lies. And when I stopped doing that work it was easier to stop lying.
Now I find myself in an office environment again. It is only part time and not for a big corporation, but I have caught myself telling little white lies already. It's almost like I can't control myself. And it's typically over something ridiculous like: "Hey did you make that phone call?", and my answer, "Oh yeah, I left a message." Even though I didn't make the phone call and totally forgot I needed to make the phone call at all. Is this some crazy survival instinct?
It all came home for me today. I was listening to a woman on the radio who said that she only has two rules, don't lie and don't cheat. I thought to myself, those are two excellent rules, and yet not lying seems to be so hard, as least in some situations.
I think the challenge for me now is to look at my lying at the office. Why do I do it? How can I get it under control? And why is it that I have such a hard time being completely honest there, but not in other places?
Just some random thoughts for today....now off to make that phone call.