Enough! No More Beating Myself Up

From EveryDayFeminism.com

It's recently come to my attention that I am rather hard on myself.  I guess that most people probably are, but this realization came to me when I made the statement, "I love television and I am not going to feel bad about it."

You see, I've sort of held this belief that good crunchy granola people (like who I would like to be) don't watch television.  They don't get sucked into terrible reality TV shows.  They don't have an Amazon account where episodes of How I Met Your Mother, Bones, and Supernatural, automatically appear every week. 

These good and proper hippies don't 'squee' with delight when new episodes of Merlin are available on Netflix.  And they definitely don't let their kids stay up late on a school night to watch the season premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race.

But wait there's more...These people also don't go to Taco Bell for dinner or get a craving for Cheetos and just go for it.  These people don't ignore dirty dishes in the sink or have a crushing weight of credit card debt.  This ideal person isn't known by name at the local Starbucks, they are too granola for Starbucks!  The good people out there aren't doing ANY of these things...

You see, *I* do all of these things, therefore, these things must be bad.  Boo!  Hiss!  I suck.

I've created this ideal "witchy, hippie, natural living, person" in my mind.  This is the person that I think I am supposed to be.  This is the person that lives "better" than I do and I should strive to be.  I suppose that these are all good things to strive for, but along the way this turned into another excuse for me to berate myself.

Why do I feel like I have to hide my television watching or pretend that I don't love Taco Bell?  No one out there cares and if they do, it shouldn't matter to me.

Blurting out that I love television and I'm not going to feel bad about it was a liberating moment for me.  It also helped me to remember that I've always loved TV.  When I was a teenager and all of my friends would lock themselves in their bedrooms and listen to music, I was hiding in my room watching TV or movies (often while reading at the same time).

This pic has NOTHING to do with this blog post.

So I'm done.  I'm not going to feel bad for the things that I love, no matter how un-crunchy un-granola I might think they are.

Not a Resolution List, Really

Ok, so maybe this is more like a personal journal entry, rather than a blog post.  Maybe I should start out with "Dear Diary", but there is something about putting these words out to the world that makes it feel more real.

This isn't a list of resolutions.  This isn't a checklist of things that I want to accomplish in the next year.  What this is, is a list of the things that I would like to shift, change, challenge, and transform in my life.  I would like this to serve as a personal reminder for myself going forward.  A place where I can check in, see where I am, and where I might want to change trajectory.

So with that said, here we go...

• I will improve how I communicate.  Sometimes I let emails sit too long in my inbox without response.  Sometimes I let voice mails go too long unanswered.  Sometimes I think about reaching out to someone I need/want to communicate with, but come up with a million delay tactics.  I want to return calls, emails, voice mails, etc.  I want to be a better communicator.
• I will make better food choices.  I don't mean that I will eat right for some sort of physical reason, rather, I want to have a clear understanding of where my food comes from.  I want to make healthy choices for me and my family.  I want to help support the local economy by making smarter purchases.  But I will also be kind to myself when I don't make the best choice.  I will not beat myself up if I go to Taco Bell, order pizza, or make some other lazy meal decision; as long as it is every once and awhile and not once a week.
• I will release grudges.  It is time to let go of the hurt that I keep inflicting on myself.  If this means letting go of relationships that make my feel yucky than so be it.  I will only let people in my life who make me feel loved and supported.  But this doesn't mean that I will just walk away when feeling challenged.  I also want to deepen intimacy and sometimes that can feel scary.  I will be clear when I am feeling scared about growing relationships or when someone is just toxic for me.
• I will be dedicated to my work, in all its myriad forms.  I am a Priestess and a writer; in that order.  I will not let electronics interfere with my work.  I will not let myself get distracted from taking risks, putting myself out there, and doing the work that fills me up.  I will write the things that I enjoy writing and not just the things that put a few dollars in my pocket.  Ideally, I would like to earn money writing the things that I love to write.
• I will read more than I watch television; like I used to do.  I want to stop using television and the Internet as a way to escape feelings.
• I will get outside and experience nature.  I want to get wet at the beach.  I want to breathe fresh air.  I want to feel my connection to the earth and let that fuel my spirituality.  I want to honor the cycle of the moon and share my excitement about these things with others.

So there it is.  The six things that I will do to shift my life this year. I like that it is six things.  Six is a good number.  I think that ultimately, I want to put me first.  I want to only commit to things that make me feel good.  I want to make better choices and enjoy the choices I make.

Blessed Be! )o(

Wait, Nothing Changed?!

The world didn't end.  Am I relieved?  Well, yes, but I am also disappointed and I will tell you why.

On Thursday, December 20th, I spent the day looking at the world as if it might be the last time I ever saw it.  I held gratefulness in my heart for running water, central heat, and electricity.  I looked at the people driving in cars and felt overcome with emotion.  I went to a restaurant for breakfast, thinking that it might be the last time I got such a simple and amazing treat in my life.  I walked through the world marveling at how simple, easy, and smooth life is for me living in California.

Before I went to bed, I set my alarm for 3 o'clock in the morning.  That was exactly eleven minutes short of the actual Solstice.  (I wanted to be awake if anything happened.)  But as we all now know, nothing happened.  Instead of the power going out, an asteroid hitting the planet, or aliens taking over; I said I prayer for peace on earth and real positive change and then went back to sleep.  I repeated this prayer at the moment of sunrise with my daughter.

There was (and is) a part of me that felt really sad about 'nothing happening', but it has led to some rather startling realizations about myself.  Of course, anytime I have a startling realization, there is some twisted part of me that feels the need to share it with the world; hence this blog.

Now that the world is moving on as it always has, I've been thinking what now.  And I've been thinking about the plans and commitments that I've made moving into 2013.  And here is what I have discovered....

Somewhere inside of me, I really believed that *something* was going to change.  Something obvious.  I've put everything in my life into a kind of holding pattern, because I figured that I wouldn't have to worry about certain things moving past the Winter Solstice of this year anyway.

What is sad, and scary, is that this belief was so ingrained, I didn't even realize that it was there.  Consciously I didn't realize that I was holding myself back in so many places.  I didn't realize that I was choosing not to do things in order to wait and see how things turned out.  I have kept myself in a half frozen existence.  Somewhere deep inside my noggin, I was forcing myself to hold back and rest up because I believed that all those creature comforts would be gone.

Now I have to face the fact that nothing happening.  Nothing.  Life is moving forward in exactly the same way that it has my entire life.  And as much as I want to feel happy about that, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

Here is how things have changed....Now I have to face reality.  I have to do the hard work of owning up to my addictions.  I have to look at how I've let myself fail.  I have to stop using my creativity to make excuses for not being creative.  I have to release the hold that I've placed on myself and actually step into action.

There is nothing scarier than that...

The End of the World

As we rapidly approach the supposed end date of the Mayan calendar I find myself vacillating between two things.  On the one hand, I feel much like I did about the whole Y2K drama.  Basically; *yawn*; this is silly, nothing is going to happen, anyone who thinks so is nutty.  And on the other hand, I find myself thinking; OMG WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!  Actually that's not true, I've not considered the fact that I could die.  Instead, I am finding myself focused on the possibility of a severe lack of the creature comforts that I have known my whole life.

And when I dig down a little deeper I am able to determine what it is I am really afraid of: people.

All of the history that I have ever been taught is filled with stories of conquering, fighting, war, taking land, and flat out aggression.  All of the history, filling textbook pages, is the writing of one society conquering another.  Hitory is told from the vantage point of the victor.  Where are the stories of peace, community, and co-creation?

This leaves me asking myself; what is in the true heart of people?  Deep down are humans solely looking for more power?  Are we williing to take what we want no matter what?  Are people just wired to be aggressive?

These questions hurt my heart.

I want to believe that if the world, as we know it, falls apart, we would band together as members of humanity and change the way we deal with each other.  I want to believe that deep down people are good and want to see others survive and thrive.  I want to believe that if the world as I know it ends, my neighborhood would band together, help each other, and find a way to create a new and better world.

So although the thought of no running water, no central heating, and no Internet bums me out; what I am really worried about is fear of scarcity, aggression, isolation; and what this would do to people's reactions.  These are my real concerns, real worries, and they go well beyond the looming date of December 21st, 2012.  I know that I can't trust the infrastructure of the world that I am used to, but can I trust the people?

Every single day I pray that I can.

Just Call Me Baldy - My (Not So) Private Battle with Hair Loss

This is a blog post that I have been thinking about writing for some time now.  There is so much I want to say and I don't really know where to start.  This is a highly emotional subject for me and I also find it really embarrassing, which is probably why I have taken so long to start writing it out.

I have been on a journey of medical self discovery for over a year, and it feels like a long story to tell.  I already started to write about the beginning of my journey when I blogged about PCOS.  Since first being told I have PCOS, I have done a lot of investigating.  Unfortunately, my body has continued to change and do things that I don't really like.  Which brings me to the subject constantly running around in, or maybe on, my head (pun intended)...hair loss.

Yes, by some ugly twist of fate, I seem to be losing my hair.  Like, not a few strands here and there, like seriously, it's leaving and not coming back.

I noticed the beginnings of hair loss a couple of years ago.  I didn't really think anything of it.  My braid seemed a little slimmer than it had been in the past, whatever.  Then last year I started to freak out because the hair loss seemed to be happening more than "just a little bit".  I knew that hair loss could be connected to PCOS, so I started a regimen of herbs and supplements to try and get my hormones in order.

Nothing changed.

It got to a point where all I could think about was my hair loss.  I was having terrible dreams about going bald.  I would (and do) stand in front of the mirror every night staring at my scalp as if I would be able to discern some secret message hidden in my hairline.  I was constantly complaining, worrying, and stressing over it.  (Let's get real here, I am writing like this is past tense, but it totally isn't.  Just writing this is proof that I am still totally worried, stressed, obsessed, and freaked.)

My partner (who has been very supportive), and probably most of my friends, must be really sick of me talking about it all of the time; cause I do....all. the. time.

I kept researching, PCOS, hair loss, thyroid disorders, and so on.  There are actually many reasons that women lose hair.  Some reasons are connected to issues with diet, stress, and rapid changes in weight.  Well, I lost thirty pounds this past year, so I was hoping that the hair loss was connected to one of these simple issues and not something else.

It is believed that anywhere from thirty to fifty percent of women lose their hair.  Most often this happens when women are in their fifties or sixties, but it can happen at any time and at any age.

Most people lose about 50 to 100 strands of hair per day and on days when the hair is washed the number can be as high as 200 plus.  I haven't started counting the stands as they fall out, but let me assure you, I haven't been losing any more hair than what I would consider 'normal'.  The hair isn't falling out more quickly, it just isn't growing back.  What's more, the individual strands that are growing back are much thinner.  *Sigh*

There are some serious medical issues that can cause hair loss; thyroid disorders, autoimmune diseases, PCOS, high lead levels, and other hormonal imbalances, just to name a few.  Unlike men, women tend to lose hair in the front half of the scalp or in the middle.  Women typically don't get a receding hairline. 

Armed with this information, I went to a new doctor who isn't convinced that I have PCOS, she thinks that I have endometriosis.  Yay me!  (Note the sarcasm.)  Basically two different reproductive issues that are hard to prove and you can do nothing for.  (Two great flavors that go great together. *wink*)

Doctor number two sent me for a barrage of blood tests and guess what?  All the things that can be tested are in their normal range.  There is nothing 'wrong' with me, oh except I am losing my hair and I have chronically painful menstrual cycles.  "But don't worry, we can take care of your menstrual pain with drugs.  As far as the hair loss goes, well, thirty percent of women lose their hair, you can always try Rogaine." Said my doctor.  Bang, boom, crush went my heart. 

Let me say this.  I don't have a terrible fatal disease.  I know that I am really lucky that all my tests came back normal.  I know that I could have it a lot worse.  I KNOW that, but in the back of my mind, I feel like if something was officially 'wrong' with me than something could officially be 'fixed'.

Feeling utterly deflated by western medicine, I went to see an acupuncturist.  She tells me that endometriosis is totally treatable and she can help me; the hair loss, she's not so sure about.  Since I have been watching this so closely for so long I literally cannot tell if my hair is still falling out.  I can't tell if it is getting worse, but I know that it isn't getting better.

Dermatologist, Wendy Roberts, says that up to fifty percent of women will lose their hair; fifty percent!  So why was this something I didn't know?  How come I never heard about this before?  Why I am I so scared, embarrassed, and feeling so isolated about it?  Why aren't more women talking about this?  Is this just another part of aging that we try and hide, cover up, and pretend isn't happening?

Throughout all of this I have started to notice other women who are losing their hair or have thinning hair.  There are a lot of us out there.  Most of these women are older than me, but still.  Now that I am looking, I see my balding sisters everywhere.  In some ways it makes me feel better and in some ways it makes me feel worse.

Is wig wearing in my future?  Perhaps.  I guess it's a good thing I love drag queens so much and have paid attention to their fashions tips.  But in the meantime I did breakdown and get Rogaine for women.  It's been about a week now.  It can take up to four months to see if it will work and if it does, I will have to use it for the rest of my life.  Nothing like a little vanity to make me feel crappy.

So why am I writing about this on my Pagan blog?  Well, this is part of my process.  It is part of my work.  It is part of my own personal 'fire in the head' Shamanic transformation of sorts.  And it is a way for me to release, to let go, to stop feeling guilt for my vanity.  Because that is part of it too, guilt for being so vain and worrying about something so trivial.

For now no one can tell that my hair is so thin, except for people who have known me a really long time.  Who knows if that will be true in the future.  All I know is it makes me sad for so many more reasons than I can express.

The Five G's

Poster from LatriceRoyale.com

Good, God(dess), Girl, Get a Grip.  These are The Five G's as taught to me by the fierce drag queen Latrice Royale contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race.  And yes, I realize that this is not the first time that I have blogged about drag queens, and trust me honey, it won't be the last.

The Five G's are just one of Latrice's many founts of wisdom, but this one is a powerful Pagan affirmation.  When she talks about this phrase it holds two meanings: One - get your shit together and calm down, and Two - cut the drama.  Of course, I have modified the saying from God to Goddess, but use it at your discretion.  As always, your mileage may vary.

The reason The Five G's are so powerful, is because sometimes I just need a quick verbal slap upside my head.  Some days I get dragged down in the mire and crap that can fill our thoughts.  Some times it seems that everyone on Facebook is posting only the most horrible, sad, terrifying, and upsetting stuff possible.  Some days anything, and everything, other people do pisses me off.  Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the straps of the straight jacket, know what I mean?

On those days, when I am letting the yuck of the world invade my space I need a quick reminder, I need an affirmation, I need The Five G's.  Because no matter how many horrible things are happening in the world there are also plenty of good things happening. 

There are people helping each other, people succeeding, people loving, and finding happiness all over the place.  There are people working to save the planet.  There are people lending a helping hand to others.  There are people doing good works in the world.  And the more I can remember that, the more I can follow in those footsteps in my own life.

Life doesn't have to be a constant battle or a march AGAINST something.  Life can be a cooperative exchange where we work FOR something together.

This is what I learned from a drag queen.  Ain't life grand?

Feeling Shame and How That is Magick

I am in the process of some deep and transformational personal magickal work.  In this process I am looking at different ways that I perceive myself and the world around me.  I am looking at my relationships, my connections, and my triggers.

In the last few months I posted a blog that had some typos in it.  (Its not the first time that I have done it and I'm sure it won't be the last.)  But someone pointed them out.  It was done in a way that could have been considered playful or it could have been considered snarky, but whatever the intention, it sent me down a shame spiral.

I didn't realize that was what had happened, until today, actually.

Yes, publicly pointing out my mistake to the world caused me to feel some serious embarrassment, but connecting that to shame didn't flood my awareness until today when I was walking to a wise witch I am lucky enough to call a friend.  She asked me one simple question, "What would happen when you were a child and did something wrong?"

My first response was, "Well, nothing".  My mom was, and is, a loving and caring parent.  She always wanted the best for me and supported me in all of my endeavors.  But then I remembered the times where she lost her patience with me.  Like if I broke something that was important to her or if I spilled something on the clean carpet.  There were times when my mom lost her cool (mom do that).  During these times she would occasionally say things out of anger or frustration.  These altercations often left me feeling stupid and ashamed.

It's one thing to do something and feel shameful about it on my own, but when someone else points out the mistake, or there are witnesses to that shaming (like my little sister), the pain it can cause goes much deeper than what I could ever inflict on myself.

This was a powerful acknowledgement for me.

So, what does this have to do with Paganism?  Well, everything.

Part of my daily practice right now is running the Iron Pentacle through my body.  Each of the Iron Pentacle points has a "rusted" side.  The rust comes in to play when you are deflated in that energy center.  The rust of the Pride point is shame.  When not im right relationship with Pride it can manifest in your life as shame. 

Dude, this realization hit me like a truck.

The Pride point is the point of the Iron Pentacle that I have the most struggle with.  It is the most charged for me.  It often feels the most deflated.  It is the most difficult point for me to bring into its right size.  I am so concerned with the possibility of that point shifting into an inflated state of arrogance that I don't let myself feel what it is to have right Pride in who I am and what I do.

What I have come to discover is that I am not alone in this struggle.  Feeling shame is rampant in our culture.  Not have right sized Pride is rampant too.  And publicly shaming others might have an intention of fun snark and silliness, but it is actually much more insidious than that. 

So, I invite you (as I am inviting myself) to look at those moments where you are feeling shame, or shamed.  How is this connected to your Pride.  Where is the root of this shame and how can you shift from shame to Pride and be right-sized in your power.

Life is totally amazing, no?