tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21062970380040045432024-03-12T22:41:18.440-07:00The Phoenix Philesby Miss Phoenix LeFaePhoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-51123631594030763422014-09-26T12:13:00.001-07:002014-09-27T16:04:54.929-07:007 Goddesses You've Never Heard Of There are thousands of Goddesses across the world. Some of them get a lot of attention with a few that could even be considered main stream. The gods of the Greek and Egyptian pantheon come to mind. (Even a non-pagan person has heard of Aphrodite.) Television shows like Hercules, Merlin, and Witches of East End, and movies like Thor, have brought names of the old gods back into the world. Although these modern retellings are a bit off, the old ones are being remembered. However, there are more deities than the ones that most people know, like Aphrodite, Isis, Hecate, and Brigid (no offense dear Ladies!). I thought that it might be time to share a few of the more obscure Goddesses out in the world who you should really know about.<br />
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(And in writing this I know that there are people out there who do know these names, these stories, and these energies. Please feel free to share their stories as you know them!) <br />
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<ul><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw6tzrkkzctzmH9UuZxI8wkaWZwt0Jw8ITmcss888UOBjHDdXYd-kaoAtEKqa192Nvge1bIR-UDSmCDXhKTX4q18guXOzMZEvg_uxACGcJmDdFmk_u55M7m1bAJARsf48mX9rf5Y3KC6Y/s1600/tiamat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw6tzrkkzctzmH9UuZxI8wkaWZwt0Jw8ITmcss888UOBjHDdXYd-kaoAtEKqa192Nvge1bIR-UDSmCDXhKTX4q18guXOzMZEvg_uxACGcJmDdFmk_u55M7m1bAJARsf48mX9rf5Y3KC6Y/s1600/tiamat.jpg" height="139" width="200" /></a></ul>
<b>~Tiamat (Sumerian) </b>- She is the primordial ooze that existed before anything else on this planet. In some stories Tiamat is described as a monster and early dipictions paint her as a dragon or sea serpent. She gives birth to the first creatures and later her body is broken into pieces to create the heavens and earth. We all come from the seas and Tiamat is the energy of that roiling place of creation. She is deep, dark, powerful, and her true form is beyond human conception. <i><b>Why you should know her</b></i>: There are many origin stories across the world and many of them feature water, after all humans did evolve from the sea and Tiamat can help to bring you back to that place of origin. She is the grandmother who remembers you from before you were born. Her voice is deep and shakes the earth and with that voice Tiamat can bring you back into connection with the most primal forces that already exist within you. <br />
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<b>~Sulis (Celtic) </b>- This Celtic Goddess of healing was centrally located in Bath, England. Her life force and spirit could be found in the living and sacred <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp5HMvkgqWI229bsz6xVEcOkNbI1ZBnb5p4mMyo-7CHHFek5eBg1ULJQYN3d2M5wWBabBpt8tAXG_8CBrZptmYOntElAnm9TfrZ72GPsY7E2y5YqJUc51XmDK3dFhyBjvFAGdB1kB2HfQ/s1600/sulis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp5HMvkgqWI229bsz6xVEcOkNbI1ZBnb5p4mMyo-7CHHFek5eBg1ULJQYN3d2M5wWBabBpt8tAXG_8CBrZptmYOntElAnm9TfrZ72GPsY7E2y5YqJUc51XmDK3dFhyBjvFAGdB1kB2HfQ/s1600/sulis.jpg" height="200" width="88" /></a>thermal pools and flowing waters around Bath. Her worship goes well beyond recorded history. When the Romans came to England they connected Sulis to their Goddess Minerva and created great temples and healing centers dedicated to Sulis-Minerva in the same places where the indigenous people of the British Isles had been coming for millennia. Sulis is a Goddess that brings health, vitality, and healing, but she was also called upon for her cursing powers and prayers have been found asking for her to bring swift vengeance. After all the Celts believed in order to now how to heal you also must know how to harm.<i><b> Why you should know her</b></i>: Sulis understands the balance of illness and wellness. She offers healing waters, but also wasting illness if you should do wrong. The balance of illness and wellness is interesting in our modern culture. We take on illness as if it is a part of who we are and Sulis offers a different potential. How is it to honor illness or wellness as something part of our system, our body, and not our "self". How is it to dance with your wellness as something outside of you and treat any illness in the same manner? This is the power that Sulis can bring to your life.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0pXRCA9BxuyJETHKDK1q5vIH0p0yxMHI-QRdSlxIvubldKMVI7k3buyvgFahufwFeGRu_AanJNmFm9fTcBITOQcpUIeLFJzxkkIkWEOu6PiHIlOsn1KGezxhymE5lNAcSSdGu8SxTig/s1600/Skadi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0pXRCA9BxuyJETHKDK1q5vIH0p0yxMHI-QRdSlxIvubldKMVI7k3buyvgFahufwFeGRu_AanJNmFm9fTcBITOQcpUIeLFJzxkkIkWEOu6PiHIlOsn1KGezxhymE5lNAcSSdGu8SxTig/s1600/Skadi.jpg" height="200" width="136" /></a><b>~Skadi (Norse)</b> - This Goddess of the north brings the power of winter in the Norse traditions and she rules over skiing and hunting. But more than that, Skadi is a giantess who was brave enough to put on warriors armor and take up weapons against the Gods who had
killed her father. Although she did not kill the Norse Gods, they did
offer her recompense for the death and offered her marriage to any of
them in turn. Through this process she ends up married to the God of the
sea, Njord, but there is also evidence of her relations with many other
Gods including the Allfather, Odin. She is called the 'shining bride of
the Gods' and she rules over the mountains and the cold. Her
independence, her love of the mountains, and her desire to be free, leaves
her life with her husband lacking something. This desire to be in her rightful
place and her need to do what is right for her, led her to leave Njord
and return to the mountain ranges. <i><b>Why you should know her</b></i>: Skadi says what she needs. She not only talks the talk, but she also walks the walk. She is strong, independent, and brave. Skadi can help you to tap into your own independence and find your strong voice. She can show you the way to your rightful place in the world where you feel at home.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4hCdd4Txjvx-MCcpF2OYpDVhedpcxs-fTooQtXZX4EYO3jbfHKPQ-HQcgKCYi3s3VDqMJ7ySwEyulktNrCWdEINrPV9n6lKkSXZr5i8INbBDJkF6dJhEt3x1m__lf7cUx3muAbLGC81M/s1600/NuKua.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4hCdd4Txjvx-MCcpF2OYpDVhedpcxs-fTooQtXZX4EYO3jbfHKPQ-HQcgKCYi3s3VDqMJ7ySwEyulktNrCWdEINrPV9n6lKkSXZr5i8INbBDJkF6dJhEt3x1m__lf7cUx3muAbLGC81M/s1600/NuKua.jpg" height="200" width="138" /></a><b>~Nu Kua (Chinese)</b> - This Goddess is the creatrix of the world in Chinese myth. She is both gendered, neither gendered, and gender fluid; with her form shifting and changing and often appearing as a serpent or dragon. Her body is never one thing for very long, often being seen as human, bull, dragon, or a combination of these. The world before humans was a difficult and inhospitable place. It was dangerous with the landscape in constant flux and change. This is when Nu Kua came. She created order and put an end to the chaos. In story after story in Chinese myth she appears and brings order, repairs what has been broken, and fixes the mistakes that other gods have made. <i><b>Why you should know her</b></i>: Nu Kua can be a calming force in the midst of chaos. When you are in times of trouble, feeling overwhelmed, or trapped in a mess, Nu Kua can show you the way out. She can help you to put things in order and heal the things that have been broken. She does this with a gentle nature and a warriors heart,</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiso4PWhl8A3mZjHcvka06z5_F10u7K8cxuNXkBeJv_FBbUbkex2Lxq0EX2KiJLSy7j7jVZYAtaePNOgeRxr-v75tTetktyHehf-cNuwdl76tLz6nQIaYtlw2aH7iLv6Hdhq1yr_Clz4IY/s1600/Pachamama.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiso4PWhl8A3mZjHcvka06z5_F10u7K8cxuNXkBeJv_FBbUbkex2Lxq0EX2KiJLSy7j7jVZYAtaePNOgeRxr-v75tTetktyHehf-cNuwdl76tLz6nQIaYtlw2aH7iLv6Hdhq1yr_Clz4IY/s1600/Pachamama.jpg" height="200" width="151" /></a><b>~Pachamama (Incan)</b> - Pachamama is more than a Goddess or energy that has been anthropomorphized into human form. She is the literal earth. She is the plants, the earthquakes, the land, the animals, and humans as well. Her children are the sun and the moon
and she is self-sustaining, as she is the earth, she feeds herself of herself.
Pachamama requires balance because she is the living earth. Once upon a
time she was considered cruel and even violent, most don't hold her that
way any longer, but it is believed that if she is treated poorly it will lead to
earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and failed crops. Some think of her as
the energy of Mother Earth, but she is bigger than that, she is the
World Mother; not a guardian spirit, but the actual energy of the
planet. <i><b>Why you should know her</b></i>: Pachamama is the earth and she is the creatures that walk the earth, therefore, she is you. There is no better way to recognize and remember that we are all connected than through communion with Pachamama. The foods that you eat, the animals you care for, the people that you love are all emanations of this Goddess and of yourself. It is hard to treat others poorly when you remember that we are all one.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJgiDLtynxKmK4qHgymJQF3uTMN3ARr6saV9aARwlXh1fJ4woel29-E_J0ZozrwEJHXt6mMoW3oadrkuXBTbO5ZPq-OGHsZNsUeXnhWk0S5btkXm9k1t6I-gZD8a3je9bjcsa_FaQtwuc/s1600/cessair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJgiDLtynxKmK4qHgymJQF3uTMN3ARr6saV9aARwlXh1fJ4woel29-E_J0ZozrwEJHXt6mMoW3oadrkuXBTbO5ZPq-OGHsZNsUeXnhWk0S5btkXm9k1t6I-gZD8a3je9bjcsa_FaQtwuc/s1600/cessair.jpg" height="200" width="128" /></a><b>~Cessair (Irish) </b>- Many lands have a matronesses; in England it is Brigantia, in the United States it is Lady Liberty, and so on. Ireland's matroness is considered to be Eire (or Erin), and she is the Goddess of the Land, but there is an older tale of the founder of Ireland, whose name was Cessair (pronounced
KAH-seer). When the world was flooding the grand-daughter of Noah was not invited on to boat. Instead of allowing her people to die in the waters, Cessair lead her people by boat to the
Irish islands in order to escape Yahweh's wrath. Through this process she decided to no longer worship Him, who would so angrily destroy all his creations.
In one of the oldest books of Irish tales, the Book of Invasions, she
is described as the first inhabitant of the land. She turned her
back on what she had been told was her lot in life and fought for
something more, even creating a new god for her people to worship and
call upon for help. <i><b>Why you should know her</b></i>: Cessair did what, for many, would be impossible she stood up and turned away from the life she was told she had to have. In order to make this leap she had to find the courage to do something different no matter what. This bravery and risk taking energy is something that many of us need. Cessair can be called on when you need to take a risk that feels scary, impossible, or too much to hold. She can show you the way to your future, bravely and boldly.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSgjqG4poblzO4ol_hNuaVVgT5vg0pEVz-NVtBLQOKIKQzUES9zF-pDSWNz5Yb_4W-hVCPb8MPlUCHcAXFPXYxIuwYPR7ObT4evbPL3qJ4f8CTU6b9XuNDqy7Jvg9aCWabUFlNhuHaWcE/s1600/Nephthys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSgjqG4poblzO4ol_hNuaVVgT5vg0pEVz-NVtBLQOKIKQzUES9zF-pDSWNz5Yb_4W-hVCPb8MPlUCHcAXFPXYxIuwYPR7ObT4evbPL3qJ4f8CTU6b9XuNDqy7Jvg9aCWabUFlNhuHaWcE/s1600/Nephthys.jpg" height="200" width="133" /></a><b>~Nepthys (Egyptian)</b> - Last, but most certainly not least, we come to the Egyptian Goddess Nepthys (pronounced NEP this) (or Nebet Het in hieroglyphs) who is the twin sister of Isis. The sky goddess Nut gave birth to four children; Osiris, Set, Isis, and Nepthys. These four
had their lives mixed together in twisted fate, but Nepthys became the dark
side of Isis, the hidden one, the dark of the moon. She often got lost in
the shadow of her bright sister and because of this, she often forgot that her own
light shone just as brightly. Where Isis holds rebirth, Nepthys holds death. These two sisters need each other, and yet, Nepthys often
finds herself in the supporting role instead of the star. She helped
Isis to resurrect her sister's dead husband Orisis, she was nursemaid to their
son Horus, she gave birth to Osiris's son Anubis guardian of the
underworld, but often was forgotten. <b><i>Why you should know her</i></b>: Nepthys is the dark Goddess to the light of Isis. She sometimes struggles to see her own worth and value because she is lost in her envy of her sister. When you struggle to find your own value, when you feel like you have nothing to offer, when you are only seeing the accomplishments of others and not your own, Nepthys can help you to connect back to your own light. She can help you to step out of the shadows and remember to shine like the star that you are.</div>
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Well, this is a good start. There are hundreds of others that could be on this list. No doubt you could name a few. As I've often been heard to say; what is remembered lives, therefore it is our responsibility to remember these Goddesses and keep them alive.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-54407850646720922472014-09-19T12:15:00.000-07:002014-09-19T12:48:11.153-07:00The Girl Known as Danielle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3fBpNAfHK0eUiwK2zTpOmwGz79TnPM_Kz00ewY9xRaIVgkEd72QK7SwVku7Jb_lCtxxr1Tt_F6BnYXkV2lEysi4eaJ1J2cOcvpvUTEL8425cdgRuhTIutcWeN0bQiiKbiAI8sgUWuAao/s1600/Me+and+GPa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3fBpNAfHK0eUiwK2zTpOmwGz79TnPM_Kz00ewY9xRaIVgkEd72QK7SwVku7Jb_lCtxxr1Tt_F6BnYXkV2lEysi4eaJ1J2cOcvpvUTEL8425cdgRuhTIutcWeN0bQiiKbiAI8sgUWuAao/s1600/Me+and+GPa.jpg" height="187" width="200" /></a></div>
Danielle...I've written that name hundreds, probably even thousands, of times over the years. But I have to admit that it's never felt like it was mine. I know that my mom will hate this but, Danielle never felt like me. It's a beautiful name and one that I passed on to my daughter, but somehow, I've never fit into the shape of <i>Danielle</i>. It's always felt slightly off, slightly uncomfortable.<br />
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My family always called me Dani, or Danie depending on who you ask. This was better. And as I got older I started asking others to call me Dani too. On that first day of school when the teacher went through the roll and asked what you wanted to be called I finally got the nerve to request being called Dani, right about the 8th grade. I quickly became Dani and Danielle became a formality, my legal responsibility.<br />
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But then, at some point I can't quite pin down, Dani also started to feel odd. My life was changing and that name wasn't. For a moment I considered going back to Danielle, but it was clear that was totally wrong. I was growing as a human, becoming more connected to spirit, remembering my connection to the earth and the rest of humanity. I was in a transition and I didn't think that Dani was going to make it out the other side. She did make it, but not quite completely, she had changed. However, it's still my name, many people still use that name, I still respond to it, but it isn't quite right.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEithA3xO7kad-XcnO8kT1suBesf2rlgTHORkEwAfyG8mHubnYpb_aroP_Mgp_xWeUnXPEoccOb3YxbDNLDKKV7jtQIcG6mBESACl-leKi0VXH_jr2UoIRVxMlWxe-i46P7SSgClIA0kK-w/s1600/IMG_1223.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEithA3xO7kad-XcnO8kT1suBesf2rlgTHORkEwAfyG8mHubnYpb_aroP_Mgp_xWeUnXPEoccOb3YxbDNLDKKV7jtQIcG6mBESACl-leKi0VXH_jr2UoIRVxMlWxe-i46P7SSgClIA0kK-w/s1600/IMG_1223.JPG" height="200" width="150" /></a>Working on my spiritual self was (and still is) hard work. It is like giving birth to yourself over and over again (see what I did there?). In the first of my conscious rebirths I took my own name. It was at a Brigid ritual that I said this name out loud in public for the first time. I stood in a circle and as we went around each taking our turn to introduce ourselves I said, "I'm Phoenix" and it was done.<br />
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It was scary, sharing that piece of myself with others, but it was a name that fit so perfectly. There is a long history on the origins of Phoenix for me. This wasn't some hippie, new age, woo-woo name that I just decided on from flipping through a new agey name book. It was a name that was in my heart and soul going back to an early age when I first stepped into my power. Phoenix was born when I was 15 years old. I just wasn't ready to fully become her until much later.<br />
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As I may have mentioned in the past, I went to a non-traditional high school called Phoenix High (yes, Phoenix the bird, not the city). In this school we learned about personal power, non-violent communication, emotional triggers and how to deal with them, and so much more. It was through this school I learn who I was and what I wanted to do with that. It was through this education that I stepped more into my own power. It was through this school that I first became Phoenix; although it took another ten years to realize it... <br />
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I have considered taking steps to legally change my name, but not only is it expensive, it seems unnecessary. However, with recent social media changes maybe it isn't such a bad idea. I have been known as Phoenix for several years now. There are people in my life that don't know Dani. There are people in my life that once knew Dani, but don't see her in me anymore.<br />
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<i><b>Taking the name Phoenix was never about hiding who I really am, but rather, stepping fully into myself. </b></i><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrpWcx73CfLPXzblf9F70rRK4sH5Dn9oL3aw-4JrPvEWVY-f1-PUbyN4l_WvcWqfAraLX7wfAHIEI0etKVNIiwGcA3w5UcbtsAVfMDJZMFeoMf2MUvpcgntib4C0NW38erDrsA-wcbD4k/s1600/phoenix_by_sandara-d4o2ewx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrpWcx73CfLPXzblf9F70rRK4sH5Dn9oL3aw-4JrPvEWVY-f1-PUbyN4l_WvcWqfAraLX7wfAHIEI0etKVNIiwGcA3w5UcbtsAVfMDJZMFeoMf2MUvpcgntib4C0NW38erDrsA-wcbD4k/s1600/phoenix_by_sandara-d4o2ewx.jpg" height="166" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Art by Sandara.deviantart.com</td></tr>
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Names are more than what our parents put on our birth certificates. Names hold power. They make us who we are and naming another individual is serious business. However, names don't always fit right. Names get worn out. Names need changing sometimes. Who is anyone else to tell you what you name should or shouldn't be.<br />
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I am Phoenix. Nice to meet you. <br />
<br />Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-7567840733209473182014-09-14T20:52:00.000-07:002014-09-14T20:52:47.050-07:00Finding My Ancestors<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am a white American female. I think I know what it means to be an American, at least my version of it, but I've always been interested in where my family came from *before*, as if that holds more value. Sometimes being an American feels watered down or uninteresting. Sometimes I feel a bit homeless, like a girl without a country - lacking in
identity. How many other Americans feel
this lacking? How many of us carry a sense of National pride for a country we've never been to.<br />
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For me, and I'm sure for many Americans, the origins of my family are muddled, confusing, and a bit lost. Some lines can be traced, but after just a few generations back and the trail goes cold. I have bits of information, but these bits just leave me with more questions. (And how much of these stories and tracings are accurate anyway?) I have been led to believe there is French on one side and Norwegian on the other, but that's it. The rest of my story is that of an American mutt.<br />
<br />
It's not enough for me, I want to know more; where exactly did my ancestors live, what are their stories, what were their lives like, how can I better connect with them?<br />
<br />
I had started to really identify with the ancestry that I has been told.
The truth is I started to embellish a bit, create stories, and fill in missing pieces with my own desires. I started to own this Norwegian identity. I started to create an image
and idea of what my ancestors would have been like. I read the myths of
those lands, I studied the lore of <i>my</i> people. I found myself becoming really proud of
my ancestors even though I wasn't really sure who they were.<br />
<br />
And so I took a DNA test to learn more...<br />
<br />
My results came in with a whopping 3% Scandinavian ancestry. Wait, <i>what</i>? 3%?? How can that be? How is that possible if 25% of my blood supposedly comes from Norway? What the hell?<br />
<br />
This is how my test breaks out: 70% Western European (mainly French, German, Danish), 15% Ireland, and 8% Iberian Peninsula; all the rest are only trace amounts, with the largest of these being 3% Scandinavian.<br />
<br />
I have to admit that this was difficult news and I am still processing it. <br />
<br />
My ancestors are not who I thought they were. Now I am trying to rectify who I am with who I thought I was and where my blood actually comes from. On some level I feel broken hearted over the fact that there is only a trace amount of Norwegian blood in there, as if I've lost something that was never mine to begin with. Who am I? Why is this so hard?<br />
<br />
The bottom line is my blood isn't what I thought. My ancestors are not who I thought they were. On some level this may not matter, but on another level it <i>really does</i>. I actually feel like I am not who I thought I was. The stories of my ancestors are important. I always imagined walking on the land that they came from and feeling at home on some deep blood, breath, and bone, level. Tracing my roots was going to show me where that land might be. And it has, but it such a surprising way.<br />
<br />
At this point my search continues. I now have a new culture to dig into, a new culture to learn about, and people to connect with. I feel like I have to. I need to know, both for myself and for the ancestors that made my life possible.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-62064971479893757462014-08-06T21:07:00.003-07:002014-08-06T21:07:32.803-07:00The Pros and Cons of Being SeenLately I've been thinking thoughts, which is a dangerous business. Thoughts lead to ideas and ideas lead to action. And I just don't think I have the time (or energy) to deal with all of that at this point. But I've learned over the years that I need to get these things out or they take over my brain. So that's what this is all about.<br />
<br />
These thoughts are about being seen...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeFTLcbDbHWnCeT8AyUWUew1Zs4IrypkWaEKdCUn5mDUVCTQAxPw34pTC_ZmnJRUF14YTOkg2_q_OR4aQpq8xkde4GZlrQuL8JhK7nXG7WABrqCmxTaSiFtH68jKEIBL7u4GFnf2bSTWQ/s1600/Binoculars.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeFTLcbDbHWnCeT8AyUWUew1Zs4IrypkWaEKdCUn5mDUVCTQAxPw34pTC_ZmnJRUF14YTOkg2_q_OR4aQpq8xkde4GZlrQuL8JhK7nXG7WABrqCmxTaSiFtH68jKEIBL7u4GFnf2bSTWQ/s1600/Binoculars.png" height="132" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
Having a desire to be seen is a normal, healthy part of human nature. We all have a desire to be seen. This might be the longing for a parent, lover, friend, to see you or it might be on a bigger scale; for your home, community, or the whole damn world to know your name. On whatever scale you want to be seen is your special unique need, but all of us humans have this desire on some level.<br />
<br />
When it comes to being seen there are good things about it and not-so-good things.<br />
<br />
<b>PRO: <i>Validation</i></b> - Being seen can help you feel validated in all of the hard work you've done. When I kick-ass on a project and a colleague notices this, points it out, and congratulates me, it helps me feel validated. I didn't just complete my work for a quota, but for real humans. There is a sense of satisfaction that comes with that validation.<br />
<br />
<b>CON: <i>Projection</i></b> - Stepping into leadership, being seen, putting yourself out there also means that you get the projection of those looking at you. People will make assumptions about who you are and what you believe, these assumptions may or may not be true, but you get to be a big movie screen that holds all of the ideas other people are creating about you. There really isn't anything that you can do about it, except remain humble.<br />
<br />
<b>PRO: <i>Purpose</i></b> - After spending hours, days, months, or years putting your energy towards a goal being seen can help to solidify your purpose; your direction. Yes, you have a purpose and it is clear that you've done the hard work to put you in a place of honoring that. Well done!<br />
<br />
<b>CON: <i>Imbalance of Power</i></b> - Being seen often means that people are giving you power. This is partly projection, but if left unchecked it can quickly turn into an imbalance of power. If you don't have a firm grasp of your own identity this can easily lead to trouble, inflated egos, and interpersonal troubles.<br />
<br />
<b>PRO: <i>Opportunity</i></b> - When you are noticed, and seen, for doing an excellent job, having good skills, or being a talent, it will open up more doors for you to do more of an excellent job. Opportunities will follow you when your skills are seen and noticed by others.<br />
<br />
<b>CON:<i> Loss of Privacy</i></b> - As you are seen you also lose some of your privacy. When you step into the limelight people are likely to overstep their bounds, ask more of you, expect more of your time and attention, and push your boundaries.<br />
<br />
Putting yourself into the front of the pack, letting your skills shine, and stepping out into leadership comes with challenges, but ultimately if you have gifts to share you just gotta do it! The goal is to stay grounded, calm, humble, and let your light shine. Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-88790515831413203412014-05-12T19:22:00.000-07:002014-05-12T19:23:38.494-07:00The KKK Defense Backpack<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDcCVIiLb4sxnZZdTwE_1Dcy2dSwAnPikHBRB-dAd1w9yCPFFNo0Yt0p6utQO82s2-SQruIsuakwam0Pk6kMA2AK4_qm0FyzM4MI3kSW0xEdPuwMS1bAC-B98NlVtzwS60RTpgxSZP3Y/s1600/purple-backpack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDcCVIiLb4sxnZZdTwE_1Dcy2dSwAnPikHBRB-dAd1w9yCPFFNo0Yt0p6utQO82s2-SQruIsuakwam0Pk6kMA2AK4_qm0FyzM4MI3kSW0xEdPuwMS1bAC-B98NlVtzwS60RTpgxSZP3Y/s1600/purple-backpack.jpg" height="193" width="200" /></a>I was pretty young when my parents got divorced. I don't remember how they broke the news to me and my little sister, but my mom tells me that they tried to make it sound like everything was going to be just fine and these changes would be an adventure for us. <i>"Daddy is moving out and mommy's best friend and her kids are moving in! Won't that be fun?"</i><br />
<br />
My mom's best friend was an African-American woman, and so it really goes without saying, but her three kids were too. They had always been around and I don't remember thinking they were different than me, other than the fact that two of them were boys. (And of course, boys were gross.) We lived with them for several years after my parents' divorce, our two families relocating to California together. As far I as was concerned they were my siblings, my family.<br />
<br />
One day the five of us kids were downstairs watching TV and the local news came on. They reported on a KKK rally that had created quite a stir in the community. This was the specific moment when I learned that racism still existed. Prior to that I had falsely believe that it was long dead. I was shocked, horrified, and scared. This was the early 1980s, racism was over, right?<br />
<br />
I watched this newscast with my brothers and sisters becoming more and more scared and hurt. How could people feel this way. How could they go our in public and preach it?! How disgusting. And I was scared for my siblings. If these horrible people were in <i>our town</i> what if they tried to hurt them? If racism still existed than it was reasonable to believe that they were in danger.<br />
<br />
<br />
What is the point of sharing this story with you? Well, this is sorta how my month has been. My system has been a little shocked. Humanity has been disappointing me left and right. I wish I could go back to thinking that all people were beyond hating each other. I wish I could go back to thinking that the world had moved beyond intolerance. I wish I could go back to how the world felt before that newscast. <br />
<br />
That afternoon my brothers and I went and created a KKK defense backpack. I can't
recall all of the items that went into the bag, but I do remember a bat being a key ingredient. We were ready. If the KKK came to the house we would be able to stop them!<br />
<br />
I think about that KKK defense backpack often and what I might put in there today. What would help me to get through this rough patch in my relationship with humanity? What could help to shine compassion and tolerance to the people who most need to see it? It seemed so simple back then.<br />
<br />Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-46841833569991886382014-02-06T21:31:00.000-08:002014-02-06T21:37:04.594-08:00You Deserve to Be Loved<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6zjrlbGJfl7fvIdPM_UEgSQMfNSjqZ9Urgk5ngHpH31iuwrE4VhMHJGMBdW6GwZdOCFDHD9FskZyCOhuxqkp1ISixPAzUk2wsEBo90bzRO350S2o4uJalWa0conAoPDzpYtbNACSsXPQ/s1600/Love_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6zjrlbGJfl7fvIdPM_UEgSQMfNSjqZ9Urgk5ngHpH31iuwrE4VhMHJGMBdW6GwZdOCFDHD9FskZyCOhuxqkp1ISixPAzUk2wsEBo90bzRO350S2o4uJalWa0conAoPDzpYtbNACSsXPQ/s1600/Love_heart.jpg" height="196" width="200" /></a></div>
I've started to write this blog several times and failed. I start to write, but then I get frustrated and then I get mad and then I get exasperated and then I give up. I really believe that what I have to say is so important that I want to say it to every single person on the planet. It is only five words, five little words, but the truth of these words is powerful. Are you ready? Here it is:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>You deserve to be loved.</b></u></div>
<br />
Now hang on, don't roll your eyes. Don't make a gagging sound. Just hear me out and why you're at it tell that mean little voice in your head to shut the hell up.<br />
<br />
Here is a truth that you need to know. <br />
<br />
You are important and you have value. You deserve to be loved - Period.<br />
<br />
Love is what you deserve. Now in case you are wondering here are some things that you DON'T deserve:<br />
<ol>
<li>To be treated poorly.</li>
<li>To be used</li>
<li>To be abused.</li>
<li>To continually have your heart broken by the same person.</li>
<li>To chase after someone who clearly isn't worth it.</li>
<li>To never give up on a toxic relationship, no matter who it is with.</li>
<li>To hate yourself...</li>
</ol>
Remember that book that came out several years ago called; <i>He's Just Not That Into You</i> by Greg Behrendt? This books holds the same message that I am writing about here. If someone treats you poorly, doesn't try to contact you, only comes around for sex, has sex with other people (without your consent or behind your back), and generally hurts you over and over again....you DON'T deserve that and that person just isn't that into you.<br />
<br />
My fear is that people fall into this pattern because they actually don't love themsevles. If you loved yourself would you really let youself be treated that way? If someone was repeatedly hurting someone you love (your child, your mother, your best friend) would you allow that kind of behavior to continue? No, I bet you wouldn't.<br />
<br />
So why do people allow themselves to be treat like this over and over again?<br />
<br />
You
deserve to feel whole, fulfilled, and happy. But guess what? No one outside of yourself can ultimately make you feel whole, fulfilled, or happy. Only you can do that. If you spend all your time chasing after someone else to make you feel whole you will be chasing forever. You have to learn how to find these things within yourself first. Like my guru RuPaul says; "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?"<br />
<br />
<br />
Each day I witness people making the same choices over and over again expecting a different result. Each day I hear people crying about the lover that cheated, lied, left. I witness people who are willing to do anything to get that cheater, liar, leaver, to come back. Maybe it's worth it, but really, if someone loved you, really loved you, would they treat you that way?<br />
<br />
If you really loved someone, would you treat them that way?<br />
<br />
Relationships (especially romantic ones) aren't what the movies tell us. It isn't all wine, roses, skipping through the park, and running towards each other in slow motion. Yes, relationships take work and work can be hard; and yes work can hurt. But in the end the work should be worth it. In the end there shouldn't be more work and struggle than happiness and good times.<br />
<br />
<br />
You deserve to have someone see you for what
you truly are. You deserve to have someone acknowledge that you are a
shining miracle; you are a unique point of light on this planet. You deserve to be loved. Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-42780956884075117362013-07-05T12:00:00.000-07:002013-07-05T12:00:04.557-07:00Recovering from Retreat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPytxknZCGKPi2pAp1T79cCGcDJRCEuVO8KUJw5tKee1H4qw924u2Jb37z1BXbAPl1mqPpk4LRm16ez508EVVbh827XmnUQhdB63psbqCC4daBfExnJJh8oQLq5AcUKAPyfr-PczNcBCE/s1600/medo+woodlands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPytxknZCGKPi2pAp1T79cCGcDJRCEuVO8KUJw5tKee1H4qw924u2Jb37z1BXbAPl1mqPpk4LRm16ez508EVVbh827XmnUQhdB63psbqCC4daBfExnJJh8oQLq5AcUKAPyfr-PczNcBCE/s1600/medo+woodlands.jpg" /></a></div>
I've just returned from a week-long intensive retreat. This retreat happened to be called <a href="http://www.californiawitchcamp.org/" target="_blank">California Withcamp</a>, but I know that what I am about to express could be connected to any type of spiritual retreat intensive. What I am referring to is what we at CAWC refer to as "the post-camp blues". <br />
<br />
There are some real, solid, every day, reasons for these blues. During a retreat we don't have to worry about food, because someone else is taking care of it for us. We don't have to worry about paying the bills, because in retreat we are "outside" of everyday concerns. We don't have to worry about entertainment, because there is a schedule to follow and events planned. We don't have to worry about being alone, because we are surrounded by like-minded people.<br />
<br />
During a spiritual retreat we have the opportunity to be fully <i>in</i> the present moment. In the 'regular' world, there are very few opportunities for that.<br />
<br />
This Witchcamp was particularily powerful for me. It was my eighth Witchcamp intensive. Some of my previous experiences left me forever shifted; like a veil had been removed and I was looking at the world for the first time. (There is no going back to your previous ways once the veil has been lifted.) Other camps have been full of challenges and opportunities for me to push my growth; like the years that I was blessed to teach. And there have been camps where I simply had fun in the woods. But this year was different.<br />
<br />
For the first time in my life I feel like my heart is blown open. I am experiencing emotions that I don't often allow myself to experience. I healed some of my wounds. I connected to people in ways that I didn't think were possible. I feel totally different than the person I was before.<br />
<br />
Camp ended less than a week ago, and yet, it feels like a distant memory. Now I am left with the daunting task of trying to assimilate the emotional and spiritual processes I went through intellectually. And yet, even as I write this I recognize that words <u>still don't work</u>. Words are less than. All that matters is how my heart feels; full and open.<br />
<br />
So, how do I take these feelings, these changes, these experiences, and use them to fuel my regular, every day life. (Because no matter how much I want it to be different, camp is only <b>SEVEN</b> days of the whole year.) How do I move through my world with my heart open and keep the connections that were made at camp? How do I remain open in the outside world, when it can be so harsh and difficult? These questions are really what "the post-camp blues" are all about.<br />
<br />
Yes, it is a bummer that delicious, nutritious, and magical food isn't just waiting for me at mealtimes. Yes, it sucks that I have to clean the litterbox and dust the living room without a team to help me. Yes, it is difficult to experience emotions without loved ones to hold witness. Yes, it is hard to have great distances between myself and those I call beloved. <br />
<br />
Yes, all of these things create the post-camp blues, but more than these things; the ache, the discomfort, and the sadness of "after camp" is really about being different.<br />
<br />
At camp, we learn to expand and transform. This means that we can't always just slip back into the lives that we left seven days earlier. Sometimes we have to find our new way in our new form. This can be uncomfortable and difficult. Sometimes we have to see that what we <i>were</i> no longer fits in the life that we want. Sometimes this means making big changes and sometimes this means learning to adapt into the newness that is you <i>now</i>. With big changes comes big adjustments, which can be painful, complicated, and confusing. And outside of camp, we loose some of the support that was literally right at hand. We have to learn to navigate the waters in a different way.<br />
<br />
And this is hard.<br />
<br />
Other people might not look at me and see that something is different, but I know it is, because I can feel it in every breath that I take. For me, this year at least, recovering from retreat means stepping into myself. Recovering from retreat means honoring my emotions. Recovering from retreat means allowing myself to be vulnerable. Recovering from retreat is a personal acknowledgment that I am not scared anymore.<br />
<br />
My heart is full, my heart is open, and I am forever changed.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-65962443463793663662013-01-30T16:35:00.002-08:002013-01-30T16:35:36.366-08:00Enough! No More Beating Myself Up<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin_l-j9k810lptLGGK_3-pNW1tE2vikYM2RUIQjMwsq5jxZFQwk-vM8hLSQPLrrSq-3eEbLWKjJ_Hud67zatJL8fbxOUX03X603Ho6y89CtoHsUKzXH9HlCx9nxjtmWajVe4YcqtGwcQM/s1600/love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin_l-j9k810lptLGGK_3-pNW1tE2vikYM2RUIQjMwsq5jxZFQwk-vM8hLSQPLrrSq-3eEbLWKjJ_Hud67zatJL8fbxOUX03X603Ho6y89CtoHsUKzXH9HlCx9nxjtmWajVe4YcqtGwcQM/s200/love.jpg" width="199" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From EveryDayFeminism.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's recently come to my attention that I am rather hard on myself. I guess that most people probably are, but this realization came to me when I made the statement, <i>"I love television and I am not going to feel bad about it."</i><br />
<br />
You see, I've sort of held this belief that good crunchy granola people (like who I would like to be) don't watch television. They don't get sucked into terrible reality TV shows. They don't have an Amazon account where episodes of How I Met Your Mother, Bones, and Supernatural, automatically appear every week. <br />
<br />
These good and proper hippies don't 'squee' with delight when new episodes of Merlin are available on Netflix. And they <i>definitely</i> don't let their kids stay up late on a school night to watch the season premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race.<br />
<br />
But wait there's more...These people <b>also</b> don't go to Taco Bell for dinner or get a craving for Cheetos and just go for it. These people don't ignore dirty dishes in the sink or have a crushing weight of credit card debt. This ideal person isn't known by name at the local Starbucks, they are too granola for Starbucks! The <b>good</b> people out there aren't doing ANY of these things... <br />
<br />
You see, <b>*I*</b> do all of these things, therefore, these things must be bad. Boo! Hiss! I suck.<br />
<br />
I've created this ideal "witchy, hippie, natural living, person" in my mind. This is the person that I <i>think</i> I am supposed to be. This is the person that lives "better" than I do and I should strive to be. I suppose that these are all good things to strive for, but along the way this turned into another excuse for me to berate myself.<br />
<br />
Why do I feel like I have to hide my television watching or pretend that I don't love Taco Bell? No one out there cares and if they do, it shouldn't matter to me.<br />
<br />
Blurting out that <i>I love television and I'm not going to feel bad about it</i> was a liberating moment for me. It also helped me to remember that I've <u>always</u> loved TV. When I was a teenager and all of my friends would lock themselves in their bedrooms and listen to music, I was hiding in my room watching TV or movies (often while reading at the same time).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqpislLXHIgrQR9B2pj9WSwHA4ekEvE8vsDy5gCCvFKQkJtQ6Gni1l7tI5qLl7XbPomin10qkD0DSukDx6E9lJ77SOpNLwv5VHtMVBfPUsB0Epi5Fhm4pfdDxEEtjLZIsCu_N5fLwXLZk/s1600/IMG_0032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqpislLXHIgrQR9B2pj9WSwHA4ekEvE8vsDy5gCCvFKQkJtQ6Gni1l7tI5qLl7XbPomin10qkD0DSukDx6E9lJ77SOpNLwv5VHtMVBfPUsB0Epi5Fhm4pfdDxEEtjLZIsCu_N5fLwXLZk/s200/IMG_0032.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This pic has NOTHING to do with this blog post.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So I'm done. I'm not going to feel bad for the things that I love, no matter how un-crunchy un-granola I might think they are.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-87031329269513119292012-12-31T12:08:00.003-08:002012-12-31T13:45:33.010-08:00Not a Resolution List, Really<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQVKqqc6GIfHsIY3IhtuVO0YuN9ePvR21AevU_Dxjrg671fFHiCuMl1sZugi2wM620jjoNN1d8KerrAe5PKeIcUWvl7Yer49RJGoaWRj3Nlldfsp5i4kHQGkdBKkN4QmQGsFJrGJlINRc/s1600/magick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQVKqqc6GIfHsIY3IhtuVO0YuN9ePvR21AevU_Dxjrg671fFHiCuMl1sZugi2wM620jjoNN1d8KerrAe5PKeIcUWvl7Yer49RJGoaWRj3Nlldfsp5i4kHQGkdBKkN4QmQGsFJrGJlINRc/s200/magick.jpg" width="200" /></a>Ok, so maybe this is more like a personal journal entry, rather than a blog post. Maybe I should start out with "Dear Diary", but there is something about putting these words out to the world that makes it feel more real.<br />
<br />
This isn't a list of resolutions. This isn't a checklist of things that I want to accomplish in the next year. What this is, is a list of the things that I would like to shift, change, challenge, and transform in my life. I would like this to serve as a personal reminder for myself going forward. A place where I can check in, see where I am, and where I might want to change trajectory.<br />
<br />
So with that said, here we go...<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><i>I will improve how I communicate. </i>Sometimes I let emails sit too long in my inbox without response. Sometimes I let voice mails go too long unanswered. Sometimes I think about reaching out to someone I need/want to communicate with, but come up with a million delay tactics. I want to return calls, emails, voice mails, etc. I want to be a better communicator.</li>
<li><i>I will make better food choices.</i> I don't mean that I will eat right for some sort of physical reason, rather, I want to have a clear understanding of where my food comes from. I want to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to help support the local economy by making smarter purchases. But I will also be kind to myself when I don't make the best choice. I will not beat myself up if I go to Taco Bell, order pizza, or make some other lazy meal decision; as long as it is every once and awhile and not once a week.</li>
<li><i>I will release grudges.</i> It is time to let go of the hurt that I keep inflicting on myself. If this means letting go of relationships that make my feel yucky than so be it. I will only let people in my life who make me feel loved and supported. But this doesn't mean that I will just walk away when feeling challenged. I also want to deepen intimacy and sometimes that can feel scary. I will be clear when I am feeling scared about growing relationships or when someone is just toxic for me.</li>
<li><i>I will be dedicated to my work, in all its myriad forms.</i> I am a <a href="http://www.phoenixlefae.com/" target="_blank">Priestess</a> and a <a href="http://www.danioatfield.com/" target="_blank">writer</a>; in that order. I will not let electronics interfere with my work. I will not let myself get distracted from taking risks, putting myself out there, and doing the work that fills me up. I will write the things that I enjoy writing and not just the things that put a few dollars in my pocket. Ideally, I would like to earn money writing the things that I love to write. </li>
<li><i>I will read more than I watch television; like I used to do.</i> I want to stop using television and the Internet as a way to escape feelings.</li>
<li><i>I will get outside and experience nature. </i>I want to get wet at the beach. I want to breathe fresh air. I want to feel my connection to the earth and let that fuel my spirituality. I want to honor the cycle of the moon and share my excitement about these things with others.</li>
</ul>
So there it is. The six things that I will do to shift my life this year. I like that it is six things. Six is a good number. I think that ultimately, I want to put <i>me</i> first. I want to only commit to things that make me feel good. I want to make better choices and enjoy the choices I make.<br />
<br />
Blessed Be! )o(Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-31519979320204588712012-12-27T09:32:00.000-08:002012-12-27T09:32:54.580-08:00Wait, Nothing Changed?!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia18nMriesx008uvGYNjNqc6RLn8k245a3Af-g-z1ssCN7FwHpIC8arwI5ixPz8MV9WSNX89_WZNQWRah9R2v1PIPgILOsLofaCIrT9bND7eJf_X37ltWKdguDP0eponaIQUJXbIzQb_8/s1600/world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia18nMriesx008uvGYNjNqc6RLn8k245a3Af-g-z1ssCN7FwHpIC8arwI5ixPz8MV9WSNX89_WZNQWRah9R2v1PIPgILOsLofaCIrT9bND7eJf_X37ltWKdguDP0eponaIQUJXbIzQb_8/s200/world.jpg" width="200" /></a>The world didn't end. Am I relieved? Well, yes, but I am also disappointed and I will tell you why.<br />
<br />
On Thursday, December 20th, I spent the day looking at the world as if it might be the last time I ever saw it. I held gratefulness in my heart for running water, central heat, and electricity. I looked at the people driving in cars and felt overcome with emotion. I went to a restaurant for breakfast, thinking that it might be the last time I got such a simple and amazing treat in my life. I walked through the world marveling at how simple, easy, and smooth life is for me living in California.<br />
<br />
Before I went to bed, I set my alarm for 3 o'clock in the morning. That was exactly eleven minutes short of the actual Solstice. (I wanted to be awake if anything happened.) But as we all now know, nothing happened. Instead of the power going out, an asteroid hitting the planet, or aliens taking over; I said I prayer for peace on earth and real positive change and then went back to sleep. I repeated this prayer at the moment of sunrise with my daughter.<br />
<br />
There was (and is) a part of me that felt really sad about 'nothing happening', but it has led to some rather startling realizations about myself. Of course, anytime I have a startling realization, there is some twisted part of me that feels the need to share it with the world; hence this blog.<br />
<br />
Now that the world is moving on as it always has, I've been thinking <i>what now</i>. And I've been thinking about the plans and commitments that I've made moving into 2013. And here is what I have discovered....<br />
<br />
Somewhere inside of me, I really believed that *something* was going to change. Something obvious. I've put everything in my life into a kind of holding pattern, because I figured that I wouldn't have to worry about certain things moving past the Winter Solstice of this year anyway.<br />
<br />
What is sad, and scary, is that this belief was so ingrained, I didn't even realize that it was there. Consciously I didn't realize that I was holding myself back in so many places. I didn't realize that I was choosing not to do things in order to wait and see how things turned out. I have kept myself in a half frozen existence. Somewhere deep inside my noggin, I was forcing myself to hold back and rest up because I believed that all those creature comforts would be gone.<br />
<br />
Now I have to face the fact that nothing happening. Nothing. Life is moving forward in exactly the same way that it has my entire life. And as much as I want to feel happy about that, it is a difficult pill to swallow.<br />
<br />
Here is how things have changed....Now I have to face reality. I have to do the hard work of owning up to my addictions. I have to look at how I've let myself fail. I have to stop using my creativity to make excuses for not being creative. I have to release the hold that I've placed on myself and actually step into action.<br />
<br />
There is nothing scarier than that... <br />
<br />
<br />Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-45617232549755469632012-12-07T09:52:00.001-08:002012-12-07T09:53:44.147-08:00The End of the World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDolkrCe0IMG2DaK9tolBjs8B7Hus_ppUqgl38-DFGKaI9oWnZOuTklWNau6JuylRh3ERisZHDbgwIfEveUSPm4NIm6xhc4w_Yji5PznPJ9uzZZMjtYSom6xsGCrOEmG8iYN4xbKCQcHU/s1600/touch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDolkrCe0IMG2DaK9tolBjs8B7Hus_ppUqgl38-DFGKaI9oWnZOuTklWNau6JuylRh3ERisZHDbgwIfEveUSPm4NIm6xhc4w_Yji5PznPJ9uzZZMjtYSom6xsGCrOEmG8iYN4xbKCQcHU/s320/touch.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
As we rapidly approach the supposed end date of the Mayan calendar I find myself vacillating between two things. On the one hand, I feel much like I did about the whole Y2K drama. Basically; <i>*yawn*</i>; this is silly, nothing is going to happen, anyone who thinks so is nutty. And on the other hand, I find myself thinking; <i>OMG WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE</i>! Actually that's not true, I've not considered the fact that I could die. Instead, I am finding myself focused on the possibility of a severe lack of the creature comforts that I have known my whole life.<br />
<br />
And when I dig down a little deeper I am able to determine what it is I am really afraid of: <b>people</b>.<br />
<br />
All of the history that I have ever been taught is filled with stories of conquering, fighting, war, taking land, and flat out aggression. All of the history, filling textbook pages, is the writing of one society conquering another. Hitory is told from the vantage point of the victor. Where are the stories of peace, community, and co-creation?<br />
<br />
This leaves me asking myself; what is in the true heart of people? Deep down are humans solely looking for more power? Are we williing to take what we want no matter what? Are people just wired to be aggressive?<br />
<br />
<b>These questions hurt my heart.</b><br />
<br />
I <i>want</i> to believe that if the world, as we know it, falls apart, we would band together as members of humanity and change the way we deal with each other. I <i>want</i> to believe that deep down people are good and want to see others survive and thrive. I <i>want</i> to believe that if the world as I know it ends, my neighborhood would band together, help each other, and find a way to create a new and better world.<br />
<br />
So although the thought of no running water, no central heating, and no Internet bums me out; what I am really worried about is fear of scarcity, aggression, isolation; and what this would do to people's reactions. These are my real concerns, real worries, and they go well beyond the looming date of December 21st, 2012. I know that I can't trust the infrastructure of the world that I am used to, but can I trust the people?<br />
<br />
Every single day I pray that I can.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-47776381950622604832012-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:002012-08-20T13:33:41.560-07:00Just Call Me Baldy - My (Not So) Private Battle with Hair Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2J8J1ee43s9LybCxR9vN4rCbvmtxXB3p6ZzUvycfkkcDLpEu8q9xOJOWwXZ8xlSLfQD6VbCqEpwM3Odvkdf6nIlIHcO5x0fY9tNJzrj7Sys94X0Z8ymmTS76cGEEhU-nGChSRB50H4bo/s1600/hair+loss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2J8J1ee43s9LybCxR9vN4rCbvmtxXB3p6ZzUvycfkkcDLpEu8q9xOJOWwXZ8xlSLfQD6VbCqEpwM3Odvkdf6nIlIHcO5x0fY9tNJzrj7Sys94X0Z8ymmTS76cGEEhU-nGChSRB50H4bo/s200/hair+loss.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
This is a blog post that I have been thinking about writing for some time now. There is so much I want to say and I don't really know where to start. This is a highly emotional subject for me and I also find it really embarrassing, which is probably why I have taken so long to start writing it out.<br />
<br />
I have been on a journey of medical self discovery for over a year, and it feels like a long story to tell. I already started to write about the beginning of my journey when I blogged about <a href="http://phoenixlefae.blogspot.com/2011/09/dealing-with-poly-cystic-ovaries.html" target="_blank">PCOS</a>. Since first being told I have PCOS, I have done a lot of investigating. Unfortunately, my body has continued to change and do things that I don't really like. Which brings me to the subject constantly running around in, or maybe on, my head (pun intended)...hair loss.<br />
<br />
Yes, by some ugly twist of fate, I seem to be losing my hair. Like, not a few strands here and there, like seriously, it's leaving and not coming back.<br />
<br />
I noticed the beginnings of hair loss a couple of years ago. I didn't really think anything of it. My braid seemed a little slimmer than it had been in the past, whatever. Then last year I started to freak out because the hair loss seemed to be happening more than "just a little bit". I knew that hair loss could be connected to PCOS, so I started a regimen of herbs and supplements to try and get my hormones in order.<br />
<br />
Nothing changed.<br />
<br />
It got to a point where all I could think about was my hair loss. I was having terrible dreams about going bald. I would (and do) stand in front of the mirror every night staring at my scalp as if I would be able to discern some secret message hidden in my hairline. I was constantly complaining, worrying, and stressing over it. (Let's get real here, I am writing like this is past tense, but it totally isn't. Just writing this is proof that I am <b>still</b> totally worried, stressed, obsessed, and freaked.)<br />
<br />
My partner (who has been very supportive), and probably most of my friends, must be really sick of me talking about it all of the time; cause I do....all. the. time.<br />
<br />
I kept researching, PCOS, hair loss, thyroid disorders, and so on. There are actually many reasons that women lose hair. Some reasons are connected to issues with diet, stress, and rapid changes in weight. Well, I lost thirty pounds this past year, so I was hoping that the hair loss was connected to one of these simple issues and not something else.<br />
<br />
It is believed that anywhere from thirty to fifty percent of women lose their hair. Most often this happens when women are in their fifties or sixties, but it can happen at any time and at any age.<br />
<br />
Most people lose about 50 to 100 strands of hair per day and on days when the hair is washed the number can be as high as 200 plus. I haven't started counting the stands as they fall out, but let me assure you, I haven't been losing any more hair than what I would consider 'normal'. The hair isn't falling out more quickly, it just isn't growing back. What's more, the individual strands that <i>are</i> growing back are much thinner. *Sigh*<br />
<br />
There are some serious medical issues that can cause hair loss; thyroid disorders, autoimmune diseases, PCOS, high lead levels, and other hormonal imbalances, just to name a few. Unlike men, women tend to lose hair in the front half of the scalp or in the middle. Women typically don't get a receding hairline. <br />
<br />
Armed with this information, I went to a new doctor who isn't convinced that I have PCOS, she thinks
that I have endometriosis. Yay me! (Note the sarcasm.) Basically two different
reproductive issues that are hard to prove and you can do nothing for.
(Two great flavors that go great together. *wink*)<br />
<br />
Doctor number two sent me for a barrage
of blood tests and guess what? All the things that can be tested are in their normal range. There is nothing 'wrong' with me, oh except I am losing my hair and I have
chronically painful menstrual cycles. "But don't worry, we can take care of your menstrual pain
with drugs. As far as the hair loss goes, well, thirty percent of
women lose their hair, you can always try Rogaine." Said my doctor. Bang, boom, crush went my heart. <br />
<br />
Let me say this. I don't have a terrible fatal disease. I know that I am really lucky that all my tests came back normal. I <i>know</i> that I could have it a lot worse. I KNOW that, but in the back of my mind, I feel like if something was officially 'wrong' with me than something could officially be 'fixed'. <br />
<br />
Feeling utterly deflated by western medicine, I went to see an acupuncturist. She tells me that endometriosis is totally treatable and she can help me; the hair loss, she's not so sure about. Since I have been watching this so closely for so long I literally cannot tell if my hair is still falling out. I can't tell if it is getting worse, but I know that it isn't getting better.<br />
<br />
Dermatologist, <a href="http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/hair-loss/features/women-hair-loss-causes" target="_blank">Wendy Roberts</a>, says that up to <i>fifty percent</i> of women will lose their hair; <i><b>fifty percent</b></i>! So why was this something I didn't know? How come I never heard about this before? Why I am I so scared, embarrassed, and feeling so isolated about it? Why aren't more women talking about this? Is this just another part of aging that we try and hide, cover up, and pretend isn't happening?<br />
<br />
Throughout all of this I have started to notice other women who are losing their hair or have thinning hair. There are a lot of us out there. Most of these women are older than me, but still. Now that I am looking, I see my balding sisters everywhere. In some ways it makes me feel better and in some ways it makes me feel worse.<br />
<br />
Is wig wearing in my future? Perhaps. I guess it's a good thing I love drag queens so much and have paid attention to their fashions tips. But in the meantime I did breakdown and get Rogaine for women. It's been about a week now. It can take up to four months to see if it will work and if it does, I will have to use it for the rest of my life. Nothing like a little vanity to make me feel crappy.<br />
<br />
So why am I writing about this on my Pagan blog? Well, this is part of my process. It is part of my work. It is part of my own personal 'fire in the head' Shamanic transformation of sorts. And it is a way for me to release, to let go, to stop feeling guilt for my vanity. Because that is part of it too, guilt for being so vain and worrying about something so trivial.<br />
<br />
For now no one can tell that my hair is so thin, except for people who have known me a really long time. Who knows if that will be true in the future. All I know is it makes me sad for so many more reasons than I can express. <br />
<br />Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-58675066652687411742012-04-06T14:04:00.000-07:002012-04-06T14:04:09.757-07:00The Five G's<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB2CsyCY-xzObfu3x1QtLnEz6xRpN_-anpIqQRk57rWebCFFxrnUv_wCpfSF5DrbY84avsg7vFBuRzJqaXHVJjF_UtJmzzuOSCpszJp5fRAoUA5jpP0vXwV77QdLt-Hk0KzRxgHtKsrGQ/s1600/Latrice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB2CsyCY-xzObfu3x1QtLnEz6xRpN_-anpIqQRk57rWebCFFxrnUv_wCpfSF5DrbY84avsg7vFBuRzJqaXHVJjF_UtJmzzuOSCpszJp5fRAoUA5jpP0vXwV77QdLt-Hk0KzRxgHtKsrGQ/s200/Latrice.jpg" width="159" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poster from LatriceRoyale.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Good, God(dess), Girl, Get a Grip. These are The Five G's as taught to me by the fierce drag queen <a href="http://www.latriceroyale.com/home.htm" target="_blank">Latrice Royale</a> contestant on <a href="http://www.logotv.com/shows/rupauls_drag_race/season_4/series.jhtml" target="_blank">RuPaul's Drag Race</a>. And yes, I realize that this is not the first time that I have blogged about drag queens, and trust me honey, it won't be the last.<br />
<br />
The Five G's are just one of Latrice's many founts of wisdom, but this one is a powerful Pagan affirmation. When she talks about this phrase it holds two meanings: <i>One</i> - get your shit together and calm down, and <i>Two</i> - cut the drama. Of course, I have modified the saying from God to Goddess, but use it at your discretion. As always, your mileage may vary.<br />
<br />
The reason The Five G's are so powerful, is because sometimes I just need a quick verbal slap upside my head. Some days I get dragged down in the mire and crap that can fill our thoughts. Some times it seems that everyone on Facebook is posting only the most horrible, sad, terrifying, and upsetting stuff possible. Some days anything, and everything, other people do pisses me off. Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the straps of the straight jacket, know what I mean?<br />
<br />
On those days, when I am letting the yuck of the world invade my space I need a quick reminder, I need an affirmation, I need The Five G's. Because no matter how many horrible things are happening in the world there are also plenty of good things happening. <br />
<br />
There are people helping each other, people succeeding, people loving, and finding happiness all over the place. There are people working to save the planet. There are people lending a helping hand to others. There are people doing good works in the world. And the more I can remember that, the more I can follow in those footsteps in my own life.<br />
<br />
Life doesn't have to be a constant battle or a march AGAINST something. Life can be a cooperative exchange where we work FOR something together.<br />
<br />
This is what I learned from a drag queen. Ain't life grand?Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-6774311824547662992012-03-23T11:57:00.000-07:002012-03-23T11:57:34.752-07:00Feeling Shame and How That is Magick<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglJzCSLEV9BWjxMv9IRndkEPABEh52nKQEJXCGj6L2c5nzz-4F9mGKlNdVu3-bxVn_8FmZ7en4vtzyaCATAbEvZlXHJ55RTamh_S02cSpc5Gsoje4n2IS1AX8edzOai5q6G5Xsa18tDCU/s1600/shame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglJzCSLEV9BWjxMv9IRndkEPABEh52nKQEJXCGj6L2c5nzz-4F9mGKlNdVu3-bxVn_8FmZ7en4vtzyaCATAbEvZlXHJ55RTamh_S02cSpc5Gsoje4n2IS1AX8edzOai5q6G5Xsa18tDCU/s200/shame.jpg" width="145" /></a></div>I am in the process of some deep and transformational personal magickal work. In this process I am looking at different ways that I perceive myself and the world around me. I am looking at my relationships, my connections, and my triggers.<br />
<br />
In the last few months I posted a blog that had some typos in it. (Its not the first time that I have done it and I'm sure it won't be the last.) But someone pointed them out. It was done in a way that could have been considered playful or it could have been considered snarky, but whatever the intention, it sent me down a shame spiral.<br />
<br />
I didn't realize that was what had happened, until today, actually.<br />
<br />
Yes, publicly pointing out my mistake to the world caused me to feel some serious embarrassment, but connecting that to shame didn't flood my awareness until today when I was walking to a wise witch I am lucky enough to call a friend. She asked me one simple question, "What would happen when you were a child and did something wrong?"<br />
<br />
My first response was, "Well, nothing". My mom was, and is, a loving and caring parent. She always wanted the best for me and supported me in all of my endeavors. But then I remembered the times where she lost her patience with me. Like if I broke something that was important to her or if I spilled something on the clean carpet. There were times when my mom lost her cool (mom do that). During these times she would occasionally say things out of anger or frustration. These altercations often left me feeling stupid and ashamed.<br />
<br />
It's one thing to do something and feel shameful about it on my own, but when someone else points out the mistake, or there are witnesses to that shaming (like my little sister), the pain it can cause goes much deeper than what I could ever inflict on myself.<br />
<br />
This was a powerful acknowledgement for me.<br />
<br />
So, what does this have to do with Paganism? Well, everything.<br />
<br />
Part of my daily practice right now is running the Iron Pentacle through my body. Each of the Iron Pentacle points has a "rusted" side. The rust comes in to play when you are deflated in that energy center. The rust of the Pride point is shame. When not im right relationship with Pride it can manifest in your life as shame. <br />
<br />
Dude, this realization hit me like a truck.<br />
<br />
The Pride point is the point of the Iron Pentacle that I have the most struggle with. It is the most charged for me. It often feels the most deflated. It is the most difficult point for me to bring into its right size. I am so concerned with the possibility of that point shifting into an inflated state of arrogance that I don't let myself feel what it is to have right Pride in who I am and what I do.<br />
<br />
What I have come to discover is that I am not alone in this struggle. Feeling shame is rampant in our culture. Not have right sized Pride is rampant too. And publicly shaming others might have an intention of fun snark and silliness, but it is actually much more insidious than that. <br />
<br />
So, I invite you (as I am inviting myself) to look at those moments where you are feeling shame, or shamed. How is this connected to your Pride. Where is the root of this shame and how can you shift from shame to Pride and be right-sized in your power.<br />
<br />
Life is totally amazing, no? <br />
<br />
Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-9120340610858138932012-03-09T14:11:00.000-08:002012-03-09T14:11:14.751-08:00E is for Evil, Which I Am<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZRK2NTZtgfSfEx5KrhhV4daC9u7YRCeyx2SxykjtFUCb50XRrTMti-0gJK6M9GzuHDHTQN4n14iR9-nZHbckzhgU1464Jjj-p2n7ax0oBgi_YHWj8ql9pHieJ2ecb3IHv0JPyi__xohM/s1600/redhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZRK2NTZtgfSfEx5KrhhV4daC9u7YRCeyx2SxykjtFUCb50XRrTMti-0gJK6M9GzuHDHTQN4n14iR9-nZHbckzhgU1464Jjj-p2n7ax0oBgi_YHWj8ql9pHieJ2ecb3IHv0JPyi__xohM/s200/redhead.jpg" width="151" /></a></div>No this blog isn't exactly about Paganism, and yet it is. Because, you see, I have many traits that have been considered evil. (Cue maniacal laughter.)<br />
<br />
Back in the days of the Witch Trials and Inquisition there were specific tests that were done to determine if you were in fact E-Vil - Like the Fru-its of the Dev-il.... These tests turned into superstitions, many of which (no pun intended) continue to have energy today.<br />
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Here are some of those markers:<br />
<i>Weight Test</i> - If an accused witch was weighed against a metal bound bible and was found to weight more. She was guilty of Witchcraft.<br />
<i>Dark Marks </i>- The accused would have her naked body scoured over, if any strange birthmarks were found, this was often considered a sign of her being in league with Satan. Especially if there was a mark on the back of the neck.<br />
<i>Black Cats as Pets </i>- Having a black cat was a clear sign of having a demonic familiar and therefore, being in league with the devil.<br />
<i>Lefty </i>- Writing with the left hand was considered a sign of demonic possession.<br />
<i>Red Hair</i> - People with red hair were considered more likely to fall prey to the devil and should not be trusted. <br />
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The reason that I am bringing this up, is because I actually fall into all of these categories above. Yes, I weigh more than the bible. Yes, I have several birthmarks and one on the back of my neck. Yes, I have a black cat. Yes, I am left handed. Yes, I have red hair. <br />
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I don't think that it is a secret that I have rather enjoyed assigning these "evil" traits to myself. I relish that in some circles of the world people would automatically assign me as a demonic minion. Since discovering Witchcraft I have many times enjoyed the shock factor of telling people that I am a Witch.<br />
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I guess I am writing about this because the more that people believe in something the more power it has. I don't believe that I am evil anymore than I believe drowning a woman will prove her innocence, but assigning this energy to myself has helped to shape who I am. And I like the thought of people perceiving me as evil.<br />
<br />
I find it silly, but then again, as I have already said the more people believe something the more power it has. So does that make me evil?<br />
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These are the things I am pondering this week.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-29124586042156909222012-02-24T15:05:00.000-08:002012-02-24T15:05:07.545-08:00Danger is My Middle Name<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg81-eqZelO1FqD4SOvdH9Ga7djSwTGFzLW5kJwwDoF9ZwUa0ob8PXa6ToXYJrH0LfKogRH47ue1DGtB1Lkq98ovphmf9eCSQzEInw-4jTekyFHZUaAR93-S33Iwrc3vxAMjfctyACXIxg/s1600/danger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg81-eqZelO1FqD4SOvdH9Ga7djSwTGFzLW5kJwwDoF9ZwUa0ob8PXa6ToXYJrH0LfKogRH47ue1DGtB1Lkq98ovphmf9eCSQzEInw-4jTekyFHZUaAR93-S33Iwrc3vxAMjfctyACXIxg/s200/danger.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I got my first deck of tarot cards when I was about sixteen. I still have them, although I rarely use them for readings anymore. They are the Rider-Waite deck, nothing fancy, a classic really....but I digress.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Tj5iJ-LOa6jS90Qg1OgY1zePisBD1eVSL7aXulcDdpXHDUIL7dkiEf65LOsiaprXDyLzHkmulsADg1dUz9FEeGdiUaV4nH-gHTK1p3vBXhPZ9nrbsCsM50BuaNOSgLoUybQrVFtxdjg/s1600/tarot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Tj5iJ-LOa6jS90Qg1OgY1zePisBD1eVSL7aXulcDdpXHDUIL7dkiEf65LOsiaprXDyLzHkmulsADg1dUz9FEeGdiUaV4nH-gHTK1p3vBXhPZ9nrbsCsM50BuaNOSgLoUybQrVFtxdjg/s200/tarot.jpg" width="116" /></a>When I first got the cards I did readings all the time. I did readings at school, during classes, at my job at Subway. I did readings for my little sister and for myself. But the first time my mom saw the cards she wasn't happy about it. She said that she didn't like me messing around with 'that stuff'. Those words planted a seed in my mind that what I was messing about with could actually be (cue dramatic music) dangerous.....<br />
<br />
There have been times along the path where books, teachers, and friends have talked about some part of the Craft being dangerous. (And yes, I have seen someone have a psychotic break, not pretty.) But did that really come from dabbling in magick or was it something that was going to happen to them anyway?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMTvmMRREXc6YhTIOj7eNfRblxM4Ve4UF_5zRosSSe7leepUyHJrVRJAxkzglCXgqLEjVvfS1zh1xkXBnZ7S3z4gppGtrXZAoSG_Ja-dCxC6tlyk4O3gABJF0o9Rqc_I7SwP0wTuKndrk/s1600/spooky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMTvmMRREXc6YhTIOj7eNfRblxM4Ve4UF_5zRosSSe7leepUyHJrVRJAxkzglCXgqLEjVvfS1zh1xkXBnZ7S3z4gppGtrXZAoSG_Ja-dCxC6tlyk4O3gABJF0o9Rqc_I7SwP0wTuKndrk/s200/spooky.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I have seen and experienced things that have blown my mind, shifted my beliefs, changed the way I look at the world, left me shocked and amazing, left me without logical explanation, and given me the heebie-jeebies, but never have I, <i>ever</i>, felt like I was in danger.<br />
<br />
This has led me to thinking about the dangers of the Craft. Are there really any?<br />
<br />
If I am totally honest it kinda excites me. I mean, if there wasn't something spooky and potentially dangerous out there, maybe I wouldn't be as into all of this as much as I am.<br />
<br />
That afternoon, when my mom told me not to mess with things I didn't understand, she didn't scare me away. Instead her words filled me with a desire to understand <i>more</i>. It encouraged me to want to learn as much as I could and continue to dive into the things that scared me, both out there in the world and hiding in my own inner shadows.<br />
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Overall I suppose that is a good thing.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-26903664965488824192012-02-22T17:31:00.000-08:002012-02-22T17:31:02.670-08:00The Wedding at PantheaconSince I have nothing to add to the gender debate that hasn't already been said, I am going to talk about something else that happened at Pantheacon. In fact, this is probably something that most people don't even know about.<br />
<br />
<br />
You see....Saturday night while I was busy shaking my buns at the drum circle, there was a wedding reception happening downstairs at Club Max. The (very young) happy couple were having fun and getting extremely intoxicated; as were their wedding party. There were several young men randomly wondering around the Pantheacon scheduled events.<br />
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One of these men was waiting in line right behind me at the 9 o'clock time slot. He was asking other P-con goers how he could "get into this party". He was going down the line soliciting hugs and stumbling around from room to room. An hour later he was upstairs and eventually he was escorted out by hotel security. (Not quick enough in my mind...but whatever.)<br />
<br />
I figured this would be my only encounter with the strangest wedding party ever, but noooooo, I was treated to much more.<br />
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As my group of friends and I were leaving the drum circle the inebriated Bride and Groom (plus several members of their bridal party) were leaving Club Max. The Groom stopped us in the lobby. He was very concerned for our well-being, almost to the point of anger.<br />
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He wanted to let us know that Jesus loved us. He started to get insistent, as if it was his mission in life to convert us heathens and show us the path to God. I am not a fan of confrontation, so I kept on walking, but the Groom started to corner the people in my group and he started to get a little 'handsy'. As his insistence increased, his beautiful new wife started to loudly ask us drunken questions like, "are you all fags?" <i>(Nothing prettier than a beautiful young woman in a gorgeous white dress yelling "fag" across the lobby of a hotel.)</i><br />
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I was nervous and more than a little worried that these messy drunks might escalate things to an ugly place. I wanted to keep moving and get away from them, but they weren't making that easy. Finally my partner said, "I know Jesus loves me and I love Jesus too".<br />
<br />
The energy shifted. The Groom was relieved and wanted to hug us. Suddenly we were part of his brotherhood again. We were acceptable and everything he thought about us a few minutes earlier was out the window.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I forget that other people aren't as lucky as I am with being out of the broom closet. I live in a place where people are mostly accepting and open minded. I never expected to run into something like that at Pantheacon of all places. It was so late at night that I felt vulnerable. My group of five friends were up against an inebriated group of six or seven. It easily could have been ugly. And yet, the power of Jesus shifted everything.<br />
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Even thinking about this now, several days later, I am struck by how sad, scared, and angry the whole situation made me. I was really mad when we got back to our hotel room. I almost wished that I had picked a fight. They were so ready to come at us with anger and righteousness when we were the "wrong ones", but when they learned we were on the same side, suddenly it was all okay? Uh, no, I don't think so.<br />
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<i>Now that I think about it, there are actually a lot of parallels between this situation and the gender debates.</i><br />
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Lucky for me I had a chance, later in the weekend, to let go of what they said and my anger towards them. I wish the couple all the best in their new marriage. I hope they have a long and happy life together and that they truly use the teaching of Jesus as their guide.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-31654727235589206802012-02-17T08:33:00.000-08:002012-02-17T08:33:28.247-08:00Death<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu-7z4NkT9STuj2KAR3I64KvSlbKSBWRsH4hbjx9x4slXb5MljITkRe6cbd_I8x0ABa7sJHniQwI4mzl37fEKCpgNKbBDZ1hhVz1vEd1NNH6a25-_b2uT7HQ602HPig0M3huqQDtyM9Zs/s1600/Molly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu-7z4NkT9STuj2KAR3I64KvSlbKSBWRsH4hbjx9x4slXb5MljITkRe6cbd_I8x0ABa7sJHniQwI4mzl37fEKCpgNKbBDZ1hhVz1vEd1NNH6a25-_b2uT7HQ602HPig0M3huqQDtyM9Zs/s200/Molly.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>This has been quite the year so far when it comes to loss. I'm not sure how much this blog is going to relate to Paganism in general, but it is what it up for me so there you go and that's what you get...<br />
<br />
There have been several deaths in my life so far this year and just yesterday brought the loss of my sweet cat Molly.<br />
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Molly didn't start out as my cat in this life, but she became my cat. It's actually a long story on how she came to live with me, but it isn't worth going into all the details. I'll just say that when my partner and I moved in together, she came along shortly after. Molly was born on my partner's lap five or six years earlier.<br />
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It became clear to me, rather quickly, that Molly was a special cat. She was a healer. Anytime someone was sick she would go and lay with them. My daughter was sick a lot when she was little and anytime she was under the weather, Molly would find a way to be with her, lay next to her, and help her to feel better.<br />
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This was a behavior she repeated over and over again.<br />
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She was also a kitten. I mean, when she became a part of my life she was five or six, but she always seemed like a kitten. Not that she was a small cat. She wasn't. She was huge, fluffy, and black. But there was something young and spry about her energy.<br />
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Sitting with her at the vet's office yesterday as she struggled to breathe was difficult. Her energy was diminished and she seemed like a different cat. After she was gone I didn't want to leave her body there. I was worried that she would be lonely. Even though intellectually I knew that she really wasn't there anymore.<br />
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Pagans hold death so differently than most other people. There is an acknowledgment of sadness and the loss and yet, there is also an understanding that this is what happens. I get that although her body is no longer alive, her energy has gone somewhere.<br />
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I feel like I should be okay with death, but I'm not really sure what that means. I've lost pets, family members, friends, and community member in the past two months. It's been hard, and yet, until Molly, none of the losses felt real. I have yet to experience the loss of a human that is close to me. I wonder how different it will feel and how I will handle it.<br />
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Okay, this post is starting to feel a little rant-y and lost....I don't think I even know how to say what I want to say. I'm just looking at life very differently this morning.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-76338157273711040232012-02-10T14:16:00.000-08:002012-02-10T14:16:50.308-08:00Costumes The Magickal Art of Dress Up**Disclaimer: There are many DORKY pictures of me attached to this post. XO<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjLXp3vrSdFdLtvtPGHF0OkN56_9RFx-yXEJ-2PCJhhbsxdKCSJNpWv7KjJMEOj7wZXxfDRtvaHGlhI45B4jwitckpDVIt-oR5jabyJQ7XYnxZdPlAF984kCg_V8usgYYe4DHMrjZOB_I/s1600/DSCN2416.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjLXp3vrSdFdLtvtPGHF0OkN56_9RFx-yXEJ-2PCJhhbsxdKCSJNpWv7KjJMEOj7wZXxfDRtvaHGlhI45B4jwitckpDVIt-oR5jabyJQ7XYnxZdPlAF984kCg_V8usgYYe4DHMrjZOB_I/s200/DSCN2416.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1e_9jF6GGI4PvJOIC-FAZIKJ2k5iSUUwm8QQFJB2rNcEiJ3Ao-VyHzf0sJ3yKSQOSZpwq0nxXCClB65eNAoc7OJIwUcbi5yVUix3CzI_9Tx1vF5vw6LbGLp0UohY06LQe0ERM4Kdn85U/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1e_9jF6GGI4PvJOIC-FAZIKJ2k5iSUUwm8QQFJB2rNcEiJ3Ao-VyHzf0sJ3yKSQOSZpwq0nxXCClB65eNAoc7OJIwUcbi5yVUix3CzI_9Tx1vF5vw6LbGLp0UohY06LQe0ERM4Kdn85U/s200/003.JPG" width="150" /></a>I am a big fan of dressing up for ritual. There is something totally amazing about what a little dramatic clothing and make-up can do to shut down the incessant chatter of the monkey mind. Plus, I love the drama and the excitement of dressing up and changing my outward appearance to shift my inner self.<br />
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I know that many magickal traditions don't use any tools, and work skyclad, as a way to be totally unencumbered to the natural flow of energy. Logically, I get this. It totally makes sense; and yet it doesn't work for me.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0_4mcmlxc7ZH5w6H9t4XEnse1TY0pG5h_MYbgXxZcVcJoz_GwhyPlVeZ6AIqkEQS-DdYNLMr149wOAGtj7qMO081LdPeY71E1pkNe4EJVgWFwL0CPtFA1cylS8OvsRCJ0P2o1n9tjXUE/s1600/DSCN2379+-+Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0_4mcmlxc7ZH5w6H9t4XEnse1TY0pG5h_MYbgXxZcVcJoz_GwhyPlVeZ6AIqkEQS-DdYNLMr149wOAGtj7qMO081LdPeY71E1pkNe4EJVgWFwL0CPtFA1cylS8OvsRCJ0P2o1n9tjXUE/s200/DSCN2379+-+Copy.JPG" width="200" /></a>Maybe my inner 12 year old is more active than other people's (or maybe I am too influenced by societal "norms"), but I am often distracted during skyclad rituals. The human body is an amazing and beautiful structure. During skyclad rituals I am frequently preoccupied because I am taking an interest in, finding an attraction to, and sometimes even experiencing a surprise by, all of the various shapes and forms that the human body can inhabit.<br />
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With costuming and make-up, you have the ability to transform your outer self into whatever you want your energy to come into alignment with. I find this especially helpful when working with Deity. If I want to work with aspecting (often called possession or Invocation in other traditions), making my physical form look as much as that Deity as possible, helps to shift my mindset.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvm1EDiiJLXjTy6vm1AYyQmWNNvAJGkPP1HQzlyjtg3SjXLCspT4eSVoS5DjPfBNL6kZtSijefNEFvWr3xC7MQJVxomc9Q8rwogUZDsTB4Inbhi5Zug1kk02AOwX6C0yWwmS6fmOIg88/s1600/DSCN2421.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvm1EDiiJLXjTy6vm1AYyQmWNNvAJGkPP1HQzlyjtg3SjXLCspT4eSVoS5DjPfBNL6kZtSijefNEFvWr3xC7MQJVxomc9Q8rwogUZDsTB4Inbhi5Zug1kk02AOwX6C0yWwmS6fmOIg88/s200/DSCN2421.JPG" width="200" /></a>Plus, certain costuming items can start to hold specific energies after using them enough times, (just like any other magickal tool). Slipping into my black cloak automatically shifts my energy into a focused magickal space. <br />
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For me, it is a way to trick my Thinking Self and engage with my Younger Self. <br />
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Plus, it's just plain fun.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCSsYMNVmrxfqgOsoAXM2RxIV_mdROp97fJ4PtsFExg-J8tbyItk-bnFeSVJ34BWYbBvXoeQVak1xWRjrm1FiG4kKU75q8G-RVtvskWmO1Y2aa4LLO0kibPpL3_uu4jfAYSMTL75ZDF_o/s1600/DSCN2406.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCSsYMNVmrxfqgOsoAXM2RxIV_mdROp97fJ4PtsFExg-J8tbyItk-bnFeSVJ34BWYbBvXoeQVak1xWRjrm1FiG4kKU75q8G-RVtvskWmO1Y2aa4LLO0kibPpL3_uu4jfAYSMTL75ZDF_o/s200/DSCN2406.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-49350317996672964312012-02-03T16:28:00.000-08:002012-02-03T16:28:34.862-08:00Change - Can Your Relationships Survive?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKwoArgyyek4kUxXu07ufGlZpG85iENaysrGmna87L9Z6td5tPiotuC2LlV7_P8z0fgKbpsdtv5t2OCOW4qNn_OnHCaIbORVTvlYJM5tfSyU343TZncVr2XqGwNkEXK3zW03YdfXZc2K0/s1600/relationships.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKwoArgyyek4kUxXu07ufGlZpG85iENaysrGmna87L9Z6td5tPiotuC2LlV7_P8z0fgKbpsdtv5t2OCOW4qNn_OnHCaIbORVTvlYJM5tfSyU343TZncVr2XqGwNkEXK3zW03YdfXZc2K0/s200/relationships.jpg" width="151" /></a></div>I've recently been through a break up of sorts. My longest held non-familial relationship is going through a serious rough patch. What I mean is that my BFF (let's call her the Queen of Hearts or QoH for short) broke up with me.<br />
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Me and QoH have a long, silly, interesting, smart, creative, and often challenging relationship. We became friends my sophomore year of high school. We became friends in French class, after I got dumped by my first love. QoH didn't really like me at first, but somehow we got past all of that.<br />
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In the 18 (holy cow!) years that we have been friends there have been times when we see each other every weekend and there have been times when we hardly talk for a year. We've grown apart more than once, but somehow we've always managed to come back together. I could go into detail here, but really what is important is many times life took us in different directions. <br />
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So, <i>what's the point?</i> And, more importantly, <i>what does this have to do with Paganism? </i> Hang on, I'm getting there.<br />
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I attended my first public ritual in 1995 with QoH. In my beginning years of witchcraft we played at magick together. We read rituals out of books and did little spells in her parent's living room. We read tarot and dreamed of magick being more like the movies (well, maybe that was just me). Over time my interest in Paganism deepened, while her's fizzled.<br />
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No biggie.<br />
<br />
But in the last couple of years it has become a biggie. Our lives have taken us in completely different directions again. Although I feel that we still have a lot in common and we have a long history of love, there are a lot of differences too.<br />
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Part of this most recent growing away from each other has been related to me getting deeply involved in my spiritual community. Because of the connections that I am making, some of my more mundane relationships have suffered. In my search for spiritual community, I lost some of my personal community; the people who love me as Dani and don't know Phoenix.<br />
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I love my spiritual community and I am happy with the commitments that I have made to it. Changes are going to happen and there is nothing that we can do to stop that, but life is all about balance. I am okay with the two of us coming together and playing catch up because we are living different lives. That actually feels really good to me, like coming home. But it wasn't good for her. She still needed the relationship that we used to have, the <i>me </i>that I used to be.<br />
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QoH isn't the same QoH that she used to be either, just like Phoenix isn't Dani anymore. I get it in my head, but it doesn't change how yucky it feels in my heart. I don't really know what the answer is on this one.<br />
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But I do know that going forward I will use all the lessons that we learned together on how to be friends. I hope that we grow towards each other again, but I understand that might not happen. And I know that the foundation we built together will continue to support the new relationships that will come into my life.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-31108423196159242292012-01-27T17:17:00.000-08:002012-01-27T21:52:18.004-08:00Beloved Dead a Love Story - Sort Of<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfw8llbZWHKdEnvkSlC2fS2mRzY3dP9zIbDzDf31nJnZ9Dc7QsWVBmt-UaSMMLik0_S-Y6ndlRKjObqEdarpFoAz5i5SWQetzZ9S-975DeWpDzq36ZK8DarQ5Ezq0y3piTxQrzajPl2dk/s1600/nature.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfw8llbZWHKdEnvkSlC2fS2mRzY3dP9zIbDzDf31nJnZ9Dc7QsWVBmt-UaSMMLik0_S-Y6ndlRKjObqEdarpFoAz5i5SWQetzZ9S-975DeWpDzq36ZK8DarQ5Ezq0y3piTxQrzajPl2dk/s200/nature.jpg" width="160" /></a></div>On Sunday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed over. I've only been to a few funeral/memorial services in my life and for some reason this one was really frustrating.<br />
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On one hand it was great, but on the other hand I wanted to tell everyone else that they were going about this all wrong!<br />
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My friend was a beautiful, vibrant, spiritual woman just shy of 80 years old. She loved life and she made connections with people everywhere she went. She understood that life was about love and truly touched everyone who ever met her. As we sat there in this funeral home, I felt like we were doing her spirit a disservice.<br />
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Instead of sitting in this bland, dull, boring mortuary space, we should have been somewhere lush and beautiful. We should have spent our time honoring her in a place that honored her spirit. Instead of playing watered down versions of her favorite songs, we should have been playing Nat King Cole and dancing; like her daughter said she loved to do. We should have been celebrating her vibrant life and sharing stories that brought tears, laughter, and memories of her bright inner spirit.<br />
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I know that everyone needs to grieve in their own way, but this didn't feel like a service to honor the woman that I knew.<br />
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The good news is that what is remembered lives and it was clear that everyone in that room knew her the same way that I did. Her vibrancy, light, and love of life will be carried on. For that I am grateful.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-47584004288803868582012-01-20T21:29:00.000-08:002012-01-27T21:48:52.425-08:00Boredom The Art of Transformation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2ph9Ng0drh6KCjBUHXMTYCa6BBPEaf5uCuGe56BMsKh_ttNwNZ_EeWlNOCCFpmpcZTh1mpQUr6bREKejN-_0HFsWlvR_fPdSy3n75X55R8f1dXJ5Zo3nkZURrzD3fD8rBZh7F_LImLWg/s1600/bored.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2ph9Ng0drh6KCjBUHXMTYCa6BBPEaf5uCuGe56BMsKh_ttNwNZ_EeWlNOCCFpmpcZTh1mpQUr6bREKejN-_0HFsWlvR_fPdSy3n75X55R8f1dXJ5Zo3nkZURrzD3fD8rBZh7F_LImLWg/s200/bored.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I primarily practice in the Reclaiming Tradition of Witchcraft, which is considered to be an ecstatic tradition. This means that our rituals have a lot of singing, dancing, and intense experiences in them. I love this about my tradition. It is alive, exciting, and juicy. But there is also something to be said for boredom and in an ecstatic tradition this can get overlooked.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDIbKZv08FEtaog-DldPwD27XjF36zDGEzSPU5OOGkZMXNDVDa5w_HL5quYqkfrKvUY0jcI8NYZsCjO7BOhv9ZBe7d3Ohamjz_8W7BgjO2M5PWMZopYV9lYlnxaJQa7b1Fgt3bxZmoHLk/s1600/fireworks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDIbKZv08FEtaog-DldPwD27XjF36zDGEzSPU5OOGkZMXNDVDa5w_HL5quYqkfrKvUY0jcI8NYZsCjO7BOhv9ZBe7d3Ohamjz_8W7BgjO2M5PWMZopYV9lYlnxaJQa7b1Fgt3bxZmoHLk/s200/fireworks.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I have heard plenty of ritual feedback over the years where I was told,<i> "that one part of the ritual was boring"</i>. Waaahh! (I don't mean to be snarky, okay, maybe I do, a little bit.) As ritual goers and participants sometimes we can get caught up in the flair and the drama. Sometimes we can miss the point of the inner work because we are waiting for the moment when the fireworks go off.<br />
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Guess what people? In life, fireworks don't always go off.<br />
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If there is one thing that some of the other non-mainstream religious practices can teach us, is that the ecstatic can often be found right on the other side of that boredom. We are so used to going at the speed of light; checking our email, catching up on Facebook every ten minutes, and tweeting our hearts out, that if we don't have flashing, lightening, and high intensity we feel like we are missing out.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUGSFXiCQgfKl_q1P1tUvcdws3adeihzOSb2bR7e6PIuA0Pm_d2jIcdWKyA4Hud1oQpsjBVDFnORSy9hobwrlZT13M21r9OvN3MFPDgHWaYDEEI9iU-BjNB0RDz-TZB1BtdBs1MhsqEDM/s1600/ecstatic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUGSFXiCQgfKl_q1P1tUvcdws3adeihzOSb2bR7e6PIuA0Pm_d2jIcdWKyA4Hud1oQpsjBVDFnORSy9hobwrlZT13M21r9OvN3MFPDgHWaYDEEI9iU-BjNB0RDz-TZB1BtdBs1MhsqEDM/s1600/ecstatic.jpg" /></a></div>The truth is, just beyond that place of being bored and distracted is a place of powerful transformation and transcendence. Sometimes all you need to do is sit with that boredom to experience something more powerful than even the most dramatic fireworks show could ever offer.<br />
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It sounds crazy, I know this. But life is paradox and this is just another example of it.<br />
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So, the next time you are at a "boring ritual", I challenge you to keep at it and see what is waiting for you on the other side. It might just blow your mind.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-64049665482586362952012-01-13T16:28:00.000-08:002012-01-13T16:28:39.769-08:00Avalon or My Secret Obsession<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMDfHBs0Z3zaYEeLQ1iJqRH27w7R06JHbpM5MgzpalQeXT3t-vrsGb6xzcq-mDGWgxnmAVPGI5riv2yvhKmoW-CHEQvrKJkxVMVGrGiVG6q1yTgrET3sVXGASFfkvKTtb1XphyWPNPdM/s1600/Morgan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMDfHBs0Z3zaYEeLQ1iJqRH27w7R06JHbpM5MgzpalQeXT3t-vrsGb6xzcq-mDGWgxnmAVPGI5riv2yvhKmoW-CHEQvrKJkxVMVGrGiVG6q1yTgrET3sVXGASFfkvKTtb1XphyWPNPdM/s1600/Morgan.jpg" /></a></div>I'm not really sure when my relationship with Morgan LeFae started, but it has been a long and mysterious journey. In my late teens she tapped my shoulder and took me under her mantle. For many years I heard the whispering of the Fae ones, not really understanding what that meant or even what was happening.<br />
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Because of my connection to Her I was introduced to the Mists of Avalon, (I mean c'mon what Pagan girl doesn't love that book?) When I lived along the Russian River I read each and every book that Marion Zimmer Bradley had written connected to the Holy Isle and the Priestesses that were a part of it.<br />
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I dreamed of walking up the Tor. I wished to walk on the holy grounds where I felt my spiritual ancestors would have called home. I was desperate to taste the water of the Red and White Springs. And luckily I got my wish...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwkx9f0sOkFbk-dTsoRfqPD02cjDcMfYQXF7nq8bVQNVVZ4SvrA1_-WSiD3g0yjR4putRjeHFGHzpXpkYvt-Z-BaJKUYnakOWl8A6ITegJjOlqz9dj3-rxRgUzvWPTdGTw4wF1QAA0OrI/s1600/Chalice+well.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwkx9f0sOkFbk-dTsoRfqPD02cjDcMfYQXF7nq8bVQNVVZ4SvrA1_-WSiD3g0yjR4putRjeHFGHzpXpkYvt-Z-BaJKUYnakOWl8A6ITegJjOlqz9dj3-rxRgUzvWPTdGTw4wF1QAA0OrI/s1600/Chalice+well.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Several years after my foray into the fantasy world that Marion Zimmer Bradley had created I found myself on an airplane on my way to England. <br />
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After many magickal discoveries that I was not expecting I finally got the one that I was. As the bus turned a corner and revealed the valley below I got my first glimpse of the Tor off in the distance and I knew that this was home. This was the place where I belonged more than any other place in the world. Once in the town I walked down the narrow streets that all seem to wind their way to the top of this magickal peak and it felt like I had done it a million times.<br />
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At the top of the Tor I sat and looked out over the land. My partner made a joke, asking if I was in the process of calling the mists. Shortly thereafter the mists started to fill up the valley and I felt as if Morgan herself was welcoming me home.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk_p-VVCNFhPQYYzbRhyphenhyphenXSkpqOoaNZbh_owKy7tWkpLKsO7OJJ2l1fFltk1mnSqNUwMDwSNrjEbgA8pDjlxEHEI-qtOKSFTg6JZX1BYkwQUnZBAuLvH-tOEmY3xq6uNIZGXU7C8LmXkZA/s1600/the+tor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk_p-VVCNFhPQYYzbRhyphenhyphenXSkpqOoaNZbh_owKy7tWkpLKsO7OJJ2l1fFltk1mnSqNUwMDwSNrjEbgA8pDjlxEHEI-qtOKSFTg6JZX1BYkwQUnZBAuLvH-tOEmY3xq6uNIZGXU7C8LmXkZA/s1600/the+tor.jpg" /></a></div>Every step that I took around the town of Glastonbury felt like I was treading on familiar ground. There wasn't one place I went where I felt lost, confused, or out of place. On my last day I felt as if my heart were breaking. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay there forever.<br />
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And now my longing remains. It has been several years since my trip to England and every single day I have a longing to go back. I check the weather in Glastonbury often, I pull it up on Google Maps to get a peek at my homeland, and I look at pictures to remind me of what I am missing.<br />
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So yes, it is my secret obsession. Everyone knows that I want to live there, but the intensity of my longing is something that words cannot express. I don't live there right now for a lot of reasons, but I know that I will, and in the meantime I love Avalon from a distance and hold Her hand while waiting.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-30864515897930231542012-01-06T09:47:00.000-08:002012-01-06T09:47:42.298-08:00Agreements<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiotB8glx2JQH0FS6xNB01xdRrOB3h3vMX9RqwPtQdT82xZK4WYPHsPNZiwxHP_ZidqeWl0W4_MEkC1FgG3W3O3maXUQfVoLbjxqMT3sKCguUaeNyJSWtvz11O5HRlxhSsKoTru0gYAgdM/s1600/world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiotB8glx2JQH0FS6xNB01xdRrOB3h3vMX9RqwPtQdT82xZK4WYPHsPNZiwxHP_ZidqeWl0W4_MEkC1FgG3W3O3maXUQfVoLbjxqMT3sKCguUaeNyJSWtvz11O5HRlxhSsKoTru0gYAgdM/s1600/world.jpg" /></a></div><i>Agreements.</i> This is a word that gets a lot of use in my spiritual community. We talk openly about the agreements we have in our romantic relationships. We share agreements with our magickal circles. We explore and discuss the agreements that we make with Deity. All of these things are freely talked about and shared with others...<i>"what are your agreements?"</i><br />
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I might be missing this, but I don't think I've ever heard someone talk about their personal agreements. <br />
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What agreements do you make to yourself? How do you hold yourself accountable to keeping those agreements? How do you honor your need, wants, desires, and still push your edges and grow?<br />
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This blog is one way that I am answering that question for myself. This is the first in a weekly, year-long, agreement that I have made. A series of synchronicities led me to taking on this challenge; which is why I know it's right. I know that it is going to be hard. I know that it is going to challenge me and probably annoy and frustrate me at times, but I made the agreement. <br />
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I made the agreement with myself and I intend to keep it.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106297038004004543.post-34322115086936196572011-12-07T10:56:00.000-08:002011-12-07T10:56:19.786-08:00Why I Don't Shave<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoB6VYAdZwGBxhyphenhyphenLPCfUab1s-qsswe7kqesdx6wHGYhBzPbmhxhVkso9kHotHFHewgWbfaLR161F2dXDxQ5d-czx5mfz2YiUTvMP8mEn1wYEkNRA2RnmE_7UFPLOwkG95ZXHq8ljuqqQM/s1600/armpit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoB6VYAdZwGBxhyphenhyphenLPCfUab1s-qsswe7kqesdx6wHGYhBzPbmhxhVkso9kHotHFHewgWbfaLR161F2dXDxQ5d-czx5mfz2YiUTvMP8mEn1wYEkNRA2RnmE_7UFPLOwkG95ZXHq8ljuqqQM/s1600/armpit.jpg" /></a></div>When I was a kid my mom's full time job was a Jazzercise intructor. (Ask me later to show you the routine to Neutron Dance.) She taught a ridiculous amount of classes per week; something like two or three a day. In Jazzercise there are always two students (mostly women) who are registrars. This means they come to class for free and handle all the money and checking people in.<br />
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I clearly remember one of my mom's registrars because she didn't shave under her arms. I totally remember the first time I saw the dark hair in her armpit as she lifted her arm up in some crazy movement of dedication to the cardio god. I was shocked, I didn't even know that women could grow hair there. I was intreguied. Why did this woman have hairy armpits when no other woman in my world did. Is it a choice to be hairy? And if so, why would she choose to look so different.<br />
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Fast forward a million years later and I am unshaven. There are actually several reasons that I don't shave. The first (of course), is becuse I am crazy lazy. But there is more to it than my unfailing dedication to one of the deadly sins....<br />
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When I got my first piercing at the age of 18 (because mom aforementioned Jazzer loving mom would not let me get it done "under age"), I did it because I wanted to stand out and look different. I've colored my hair pink and blue. I have tattoos. I wear my pentacle necklace loud and proud. Yes, I like to make it pseudo-obvious that I am not like everyone else.<br />
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But now, virutally everyone in my age group and under has started to do the same thing. I look around my town and see piercings, tattoos, and randomly colored hair everywhere. It no longer stands out as someone choosing to not fit into the dominant paradigm. Bummer....<br />
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This is the main reason that I don't shave. I get some amazing reactions from people when they see my hairy pits. On the surface I probably look pretty mainstream. I don't dress all the crazy or odd. My hair is now a "normal" color. My nose ring is so small that often people don't even know I have my nose pierced. I wear makeup and live in the suburbs.<br />
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Not shaving under my arms is my secret little way to stick it to the man! It is my little way of saying that I don't fit in and I don't want to. It is my little way to take back what is sexy and feminine. It is my way of saying this is how my body is and I want to keep it that way. So there!<br />
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I will never know why Jazzercise registrar lady didn't shave, but it is one of those moment that stands out as a pivotal point in my life. Which just goes to show you, you never know when you are making an impact on someone.<br />
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Plus, not using razors is better for the environment.Phoenix LeFaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13831260471980921751noreply@blogger.com4