Not a Resolution List, Really

Ok, so maybe this is more like a personal journal entry, rather than a blog post.  Maybe I should start out with "Dear Diary", but there is something about putting these words out to the world that makes it feel more real.

This isn't a list of resolutions.  This isn't a checklist of things that I want to accomplish in the next year.  What this is, is a list of the things that I would like to shift, change, challenge, and transform in my life.  I would like this to serve as a personal reminder for myself going forward.  A place where I can check in, see where I am, and where I might want to change trajectory.

So with that said, here we go...

• I will improve how I communicate.  Sometimes I let emails sit too long in my inbox without response.  Sometimes I let voice mails go too long unanswered.  Sometimes I think about reaching out to someone I need/want to communicate with, but come up with a million delay tactics.  I want to return calls, emails, voice mails, etc.  I want to be a better communicator.
• I will make better food choices.  I don't mean that I will eat right for some sort of physical reason, rather, I want to have a clear understanding of where my food comes from.  I want to make healthy choices for me and my family.  I want to help support the local economy by making smarter purchases.  But I will also be kind to myself when I don't make the best choice.  I will not beat myself up if I go to Taco Bell, order pizza, or make some other lazy meal decision; as long as it is every once and awhile and not once a week.
• I will release grudges.  It is time to let go of the hurt that I keep inflicting on myself.  If this means letting go of relationships that make my feel yucky than so be it.  I will only let people in my life who make me feel loved and supported.  But this doesn't mean that I will just walk away when feeling challenged.  I also want to deepen intimacy and sometimes that can feel scary.  I will be clear when I am feeling scared about growing relationships or when someone is just toxic for me.
• I will be dedicated to my work, in all its myriad forms.  I am a Priestess and a writer; in that order.  I will not let electronics interfere with my work.  I will not let myself get distracted from taking risks, putting myself out there, and doing the work that fills me up.  I will write the things that I enjoy writing and not just the things that put a few dollars in my pocket.  Ideally, I would like to earn money writing the things that I love to write.
• I will read more than I watch television; like I used to do.  I want to stop using television and the Internet as a way to escape feelings.
• I will get outside and experience nature.  I want to get wet at the beach.  I want to breathe fresh air.  I want to feel my connection to the earth and let that fuel my spirituality.  I want to honor the cycle of the moon and share my excitement about these things with others.

So there it is.  The six things that I will do to shift my life this year. I like that it is six things.  Six is a good number.  I think that ultimately, I want to put me first.  I want to only commit to things that make me feel good.  I want to make better choices and enjoy the choices I make.

Blessed Be! )o(

I Owe It All to Stephen King

I always wanted to be a writer when I was a kid. I used to write stories all the time. When I read my first Stephen King book, It, when I was in Junior High School, I changed all my writing projects from that point on. I turned everything I wrote into a scary story or thriller. I added in skeletons, haunted attics, and occult happenings as often as I could. The annual paper "What I did this summer" was never the same for my poor teachers after that.

I am a little bit more than just a Stephen King fan, but I am also a little less than a scary stalker. When I was about 19 or so the book Wizard and Glass came out. This was the forth book in the famed Dark Tower Series. I loved this series and was so excited to get this installment.

At first I was disappointed with the book. Instead of picking up where the third book left off it went back in time. In fact it felt like a prequel. It told the story of Roland's, past (the main character). But as I read, it quickly became (and still remains) my favorite Stephen King book ever.

When I read Wizard and Glass something inside me changed. Something shifted. I looked at things differently. A main character died and I felt like someone I actually knew died. I was so affected that I wrote Stephen King a letter to tell him about my emotional connection to his character, (who I really felt was my character). I so wanted to be a part of the story that I included a picture and my description, just in case he felt compelled to use me in a future book. *wink wink*

I was so emotionally transformed from this character connection that I stopped writing. I wanted to be able to bring characters into people's lives, like this one had been brought into mine. I started to doubt my abilities. I started to lose faith in myself. I let go of the dream and focused on being a "responsible adult".

Many, many years later the final installment of the Dark Tower finally came out. It was called The Dark Tower, appropriate right? About half way through this book a character named Daneeka Rostov, also referred to as Dani, is introduced. Dani is my name. When I read this I got a lump in my throat. I know logically it is a long shot that it has anything to do with me, but for a brief moment I felt like I had made it into the story. I felt like I was truly a part of it. I was again, forever changed.

I picked up writing again not too long after that. I worked on a fantasy novel in my spare time at the office. I found myself getting really attached to my characters. They would do things that surprised me. They would be weaker than I expected or stronger. I felt connected to myself like I never remember feeling before.

It has taken me a long time to come to this place, but I see it now. I am a writer. I don't need to be the best. I just need to do it. Thanks Mr. King, you have no idea how much you've changed my life.

Fairy Goddessmothers

I have been doing a lot of writing lately. Writing on a variety of topics. Some of them interesting and some of them not. One thing has become very clear to me. I do really love it. I don't love writing for writing sake. In fact, some of the writing I have been doing I don't really like at all...but overall I do enjoy it. There is a point to this (I promise), I am just getting going...

I went to California Witchcamp over the summer. Right before leaving for camp I was faced with a serious decision that I had to make. It involved employment and money and fear. I have struggled with the thought of going back to the corporate world that spat me out last year. It would earn me the money I need, but it would kill my soul. I didn't know what else to do and I felt lost and really alone.

Since then I have been lucky enough to cross paths with two Fairy Goddessmothers....

The first one was at camp. She saw that I was struggling with something and engaged me in a conversation. By the end of our talk I was bawling like a baby and talking about how much I loved writing fiction. I admitted to her (and myself) how I had always wanted to be a writer when I was a kid, but got caught up in not being good enough. I spent too much time comparing my work to others. I wasted so much time trying to be like someone else and not honoring who I was and am. By just asking me a few direct questions, Fairy Goddessmother 'E', helped me to see what I should be doing. She helped me to see what my heart was longing for. She helped me to see what I had always wanted to be and had forgotten along the way.

The second Fairy Goddessmother came along after camp. She help me to put my dreams into a plan of action. She showed me that it is possible to follow my dreams and make money at the same time. I really look up to all she has accomplished and know that I can blaze my own trail, just like she did. I actually took her advice (which I am not always good about) and have seen it come to fruition. Fairy Goddessmother 'I' gave me the tools to make my dreams possible.

I am excited about what is happening in my life. I have been so busy since getting started. I am working ten hours a day, but it feels like ten minutes. I am getting to write about Witchcraft and things that I love (and sometimes things I could give a crap less about). I am working on a fictional book that keeps me excited and engaged.

All around me things are in upheaval and transition, but I have never felt more clear or happy.