Holy Crap it's 2010...almost

I cannot even believe how long it has been since I have written a post. I am shocked and appalled with myself. Well, not really. I have been busy with other things. Plus, it is that time of year where people forget their responsibilities and turn into a frothy, maniacal, consumer. All of that is about to end on Thursday night, or perhaps the following Monday, depending on if you have to drive kids to school.

I have always enjoyed New Year's Eve, even as a small child I appreciated the excuse to party. I loved seeing my parents and their friends get schnockered and sing and dance and let us kids do whatever the heck we wanted for a whole night. As I got older the pressure of really celebrating New Year's Eve started to rear its ugly head.

There is a lot of pressure in our society to party hardy on New Year's. If you are not having fun, you are missing out. If you are being mellow and watching Dick Clark on the davenport while sipping on ginger ale, you are not really enjoying the holiday spirit. Go Big, or go home. How American, no?

As a Pagan I have always looked at Samhain as my New Year's. That is when I set my goals for the coming year. That is when I re-assess where I am headed and really look at what I need to change. The actual "New Year" has really just been a great excuse to party.

But something happened this year. I was sick at Samhain (as you might have heard me whine about already....I am over it now....mostly). My Samhain celebration was not what I expected or planned and I ended up sort of missing the boat on what I needed to do for my annual goal setting. I felt that after the High Holiday I would hit the ground running, really putting my all into ALL the things that I want to accomplish.....but that didn't even remotely happen.

After Samhain I dragged my ass. I stalled. I found excuses to not work on my dreams. I got sidetracked by the allure of money (it is hard not to...). I let myself get caught up in what I "should" be doing and not in what I want to be doing. All of this lead to me freezing up and not moving at all. When I should have started to take my first steps I was frozen and overwhelmed still at the starting line.

So now I find myself staring down the barrel of 2010. A whole decade has passed in the blink of an eye. All of a sudden, all of the feelings I was expecting to be going through at Samhain I am going through now...All of the projects I expected to start in November I am starting at the end of December.

How very "typical" of me.....Better late than never. Although you still aren't going to hear me listing my 'Resolutions' anytime soon.

What's Wrong with Obsession?

I jokingly refer to myself as easily obsessed. I am starting to see that it's not really a joke. For example in high school I really, I mean really, loved the movie The Lion King. I loved it so much I watched it seven times in the theatre, seven times. I collected action figures and happy meal toys. I had a wide array of all things Lion King, that no one was allowed touch. I knew all the words to all the songs, both versions. I was just a little obsessed.

Later my love for all things Stephen King colored my obsession. I started talking like some of the characters in his books, dropping phrases like "thankee-sai" and "my little cully" into conversation with people that had no idea what I was talking about. I signed up for a online fansite. I wrote him a letter and enclosed my picture in case he wanted to write me into one of his stories. (By the way...check out the last book of the Dark Tower series...there is a red-headed girl named 'Dani'...coincidence? I think not.)

These obsessions can be for a person, a movie, a book, almost anything really. I have never felt that it was ever taken to an unhealthy level. I mean it is not like I don't eat, or bathe, or could get arrested....(With the exception of the damn Twilight books where I wasn't so good about eating that week.) I have always figured no harm, no foul.

But since doing the work of the Iron and Pearl Pentacles (and really with the prodding of my partner) I have started to look at my obsessions a little bit differently.

In the past I always looked at my obsessions as distractions from reality. When my life is too mundane or boring I can drift away into a movie, or book and live vicariously through a character whose life is much more interesting and vibrant than mine is. But now I am starting to see my obsession with the vantage point of Iron and Pearl. Obsession is the gilt or gilded aspect of the 'Passion' point of the pentacle. Which leads me to ask myself...why do I take my passion to the point of obsession? How do I get my passion back in balance to where it serves me and the world, instead of me serving it. How do I get my passion to fuel me with fire and get me moving, instead of keeping me locked away in a cave muttering about my precious.

It seems this is my current task. If I can unlock this riddle I have no doubt wondrous things are waiting on the other side. That in itself fills me with passion.

Being Sick Sucks, or Why I Missed the Spiral Dance

A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with mono. Pretty lame for a 30 year old woman to have mono, but whatever, it is water under the bridge now. It took a long time for me to get better. Months in fact. Mono has left me with a specific form of PDST, post traumatic stress disorder that I totally made up....Whenever I even feel the slightest tickle in my throat I start to worry that it is mono coming back to get me...or worse EBV rearing its ugly head! OH NO!


Over this last summer I finally started to feel in control again. I went six months without getting sick. Not a sniffle, not a cough, nothing. I was happy to be well again and I vowed to never take my health for granted.


At the beginning of October my partner came down with the flu. I started to super dose myself with vitamin C, echinacea, all the stuff you are supposed to do to not get sick. I did end up getting the bug he had, but a much more mild version of it. He ended up being really sick for several days where I was just a little down for a day or two. I was so happy and so relieved.

But two weeks later...the week before Samhain to be exact I start to feel like I had the flu, again. It started on Wednesday and I figured, ok, I will just rest this out and by Saturday I will be all better, right? Wrong! Wednesday was no fun, Thursday was worse, on Friday I cried as I forced myself to eat oatmeal alone on the couch watching daytime T.V. But I held out that Saturday would be ok, Saturday would be my golden return to civilization.


Because you see Saturday was Samhain. Saturday was the 30th anniversary of the Spiral Dance in San Francisco. Saturday I was going to wear the cutest Mad Hatter costume EVER! Not only was it going to be a big, fun, public Reclaiming ritual, and all my friends in the community were going to be there, but I was also supposed to help and put up the Student Altar.


Saturday rolled around and I debated going to the ritual all day long. I still felt like crap, but I thought I might be able to force my way through it. If I just didn't cough and used hand sanitizer every five minutes I wouldn't get anyone else sick either....but in the end my logic won out and I stayed home, alone on Halloween.


When my co-horts left for the ritual the first thing I did was have a good cry. I really let it go, really felt sorry for myself, really wallowed in it for awhile. I even called my mom and had her bring my french fries, but she didn't come in the house since I was so sick. Then I realized that I still had responsibilities to bear on the night when the veil is thinnest.


I had brought home all the written names of the Beloved Dead from our local public ritual. I had promised to dispose of them with the love and honor they deserved. So in a moment of strength with a belly full of amazing french fries I cast a circle around my house. I took my cauldron and headed out into my backyard with a lighter and the slips of paper.


I sat on the stoop amongst all the fallen leaves from my tree in the yard. It was dark, but the almost full moon allowed me to see quite clearly the names lovingly written at the ritual from the previous weekend. I read each one out loud for the moon to hear and the set each paper on fire placing it in my cauldron watching the smoke fill my yard like fog.


Ironically, or maybe not, the last name on the last slip of paper was the one that I had written. The name of my beloved dead.


Am I sad that I didn't make it to the Spiral Dance? Yes. I am wicked annoyed that I still feel like crap? Um, YES! But my Samhain ended up being just perfect.

Damn You T.V.!!!!

When I posted my last blog saying good-bye to my television I never would have guessed that it would become the topic of a second even more pathetic blog....Yet here I am!

There has only been one time in the past that I lived without cable television. Many, many moons ago when I lived out on the river, I didn't have cable. The reason for this was two-fold. 1) I could not really afford another bill, and 2) I was like, a totally anti-television hippy, yo. I think the no television stint only lasted about four months before I finally broke down and got cable. (Obviously not a very good, like, total, anti-television hippy, yo.)

Now this time I have only taken the T.V. out of my bedroom, it is not like I have cancelled the cable completely (cause the kids would kill me). But I have been feeling such a pathetic longing for the freakin T.V. it is making me crazy!

The thing is I don't even watch that much T.V. I don't know the story lines of any popular shows. I have never seen Desperate Housewives, or Dancing with the Stars, or whatever is raking in the rating right now. I just like to have the Tube on in the background. I like the noise of it. I like to have the little flashing lights in the darkness of my bedroom as I am falling asleep. I understand that having that constant flash and noise is actually not really good for the brain and sleep. I understand that the television is a total distraction. Helping me avoid dealing with my issues, or work.

So, what is the point?

Television has become a drug for me that takes my attention away from the crap that I don't want to look at. Sometimes for only half an hour, sometimes an hour and sometimes all darn day. It is like any other drug when abused. People become addicted to the drink, marijuana, coke, meth, whatever, because it helps them to dull the pain, and avoid dealing with reality. I think that T.V. does the same thing for me. I can get hooked into the lives and drama of the people in the glowing box, allowing me to not feel my feelings, or look at my shadows....instead I can just look and theirs, which is so much easier after all.

This last year has been a year of tremendous growth for me, spiritually speaking. I am stretching in ways that I have always wanted to, but didn't think possible. It is so exciting and so scary. I have worked myself into a place of spiritual rawness. Sometimes it feels amazing to be able to breathe without my home made cloak of B.S. wrapped around me, but other times it is incredibly painful to take a breathe through the rawness of it.

Right now I am on a plateau, looking back at the vast expanse that I have crossed to get here. It is good, but I am exhausted. Instead of taking this time to reflect, celebrate, process what has brought me to this place, I am hiding in the story lines of Roseanne reruns.

I never thought that taking the T.V. out of my bedroom would reveal this hidden trove of personal crap, but the Gods work in mysterious ways.

Hello, my name is Red and I have a T.V. addiction.

Good-Bye My Love

Dear Day Time Television,

Everyone knows how much I love you. I love you so much one could consider it an obsession. I love your sense of humor. No matter how blue I might be feeling there is something you can show me to cheer me up and make me laugh. And on the other hand when I need to get some emotions out you always give me the space to cry. You are smart, funny, in touch with your feelings, clever, and generous....of course that depends on what channel I am watching.

Keeping all of that in mind there is something I need to tell you. We have to stop seeing each other.

I know, I know. I have said it before and have always ended up crawling back at a moment of weakness or boredom, but things are different this time. I see now that you are not just a huge waste of time, but a destructive relationship. I find myself sitting in front of your beautiful glowing box flipping through the channels until my eyes cross, letting hour after hour just float on by while my brain stops functioning. I mean yeah it feels good sometimes, but I think it is getting a little excessive.

You are starting to get in the way of my dreams and desires. Instead of working on the things I want to do in my greater life I am throwing my time away with you. You are not helping me advance and you don't really support me. Everything you have to offer is completely superficial. I need to stop letting you interfere and distract me from my goals.

So this is it. It will be hard. I know that I will be tempted, but you are getting kicked out of my bedroom and that is just the first step. It is time for me to say good-bye to Todd Manning, Marty Thornheart, Dorian Kramer and the whole crew at OLTL. It is time to shut down What Not to Wear. And the most difficult will be kissing the Charmed Sisters for the last time. You girls I will miss most of all. But trust me this is for the best.

With all my heart,

Red

So Angry

Lately I have been super angry, like all the time. I wake up feeling pissed off. When one of the kids asks me a question I feel irritated for being interrupted (even if I am only playing solitare). Not that I have ever been a patient driver, but even my road rage seems to have escalated. I can recognize the anger when I am in it. I can take a step back and see that I am being unreasonable. I can watch the seething happening, but no matter how hard I try to look below the anger to see where it might be stemming from I just can't seem to get under it. What is worse than that....when I am feeling mad, I don't want to look deeper, I just want to be mad.

Since returning from WitchCamp I have noticed when I am sad, depressed, angry, or really any non-serving emotion, I can take a step back and look at the situation from an outside perspective, but I choose to not change the negative behavior. Which only leads me to feel frustrated with myself thus leading to more negative behavior. It is a vicious cycle.

When discussing this recently with a friend they suggested that maybe my anger is a result of not being grateful for things I do have. He suggested that I think of five things to be grateful for every morning before getting started, a little addition to my typical morning routine. This is an exercise that I have done before and found helpful, but when he first gave me this bit of advice what I first felt was an overwhelming urge to tell him to piss off....I mean who do you think you are anyway?

But after a few days had passed and I was able to let go of my wounded pride for a bit I thought that I would give it a shot. I mean, it can't hurt, right?

So this morning when one of this kids was annoyingly singing over the sound of the radio making me want to kick her out of the car, or perhaps just shoot her (immediately deciding this would be too messy and too difficult to explain...well she was singing.....)....I instead took a couple of breaths and thought of five things to be grateful for right-that-minute....1. I am grateful that I have a functioning car, 2. I am grateful that I am able to drive afore mentioned car, 3. I am grateful for breathing, 4. I am grateful to be alive, and of course 5. I am grateful that I am able to hear anything at all.

You may be asking yourself if this little exercise helped to diminish my anger? Well, maybe a little, but not as much as I had hoped. Maybe this sort of thing just takes practice? So I am going to continue giving it a try. In the meantime I truly hope that I don't kill anyone....(fingers crossed.)

Meaning of Mabon

We are coming close to the next of Pagan holidays...Mabon. This has got me thinking, what exactly is Mabon? In my personal practice Mabon sort of gets left by the wayside in my thinking and planning. Samhain, Beltane, Yule, Imbolc, Ostara, Lammas....these are all big days for me with traditions that I enjoy following....but Mabon? Sheesh I am starting to feel a little bit guilty.

When I studied on a Druid path I learned that Mabon is the son of Modron. Modron being the ultimate Mother, making Mabon the ultimate shining Son, but what does that have to do with the Autumnal Equinox? Interesting that the first harvest is named after the Celtic god Lugh and the second harvest is named after the Celtic god Mabon.....Hmm. Look like there is something for me to look into here.

In elementary school I learned that the Autumnal Equinox is one of two days where the light and darkness are completely even. A day of perfect balance? Sounds pretty good, right? But it is also the start of shorter days ahead and longer nights of winter.

My later Pagan learnings brought me the knowledge that Mabon is also the second harvest. Our ancestors were still working away in the fields, getting everything stock piled for winter. This was the time when they were hard at work mid-way through the harvesting. In my part of the world the grape harvest happens in September. The fields here are filled with people picking grapes and soon the crush will start. All in preparation for the coming winter.

Mabon also marks the point in the year when the heat of summer is winding down. The mornings and evenings are getting chillier but the heat is still strong in the middle of the day. As the year is waning so were the ancient gods and many traditions worship the aging gods at this time of the year.

So I have decided that this year I am going to make a big deal of Mabon and start a new tradition. I am going to have a Mabon feast. I will take some time to release what no longer serves, letting go of guilt or negativity and filling up with love and acceptance.