Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-Changes

So today I went through a beautiful, simple, but powerful initiation process. Over the last few weeks as this ritual was coming closer and closer I started to really look at my name. The name that I was born to, and really the nickname that it had become, no longer felt like 'me'. I was ready to take a magickal name for the first time in over fifteen years, but the hard part was figuring out what name to take.

I won't bore you with my process, but needless to say when I came across the name, when I finally decided, when I accepted it and said YES, it felt like it was so obviously "mine", like it had been my name all along and I just now figured that out. Looking back on all the things that I have been through in the last year, looking at the specific challenges I have faced and the spirit helpers that have been working with me I am surprised it took me so long to see it.

At the end of the ritual I announced my new name. Leaving the name of my parents behind and moving forward into a more magickal time in my life. When I got home I started to go through the process if changing my name on message boards, Facebook and Twitter. When I went to update my email I clicked the wrong button and ended up changing my email address. My old email no longer exists. My new magical name is now my email address, which has caused me to change ALL kinds of things I didn't expect to have to change, but these things happen for a reason.

That is how these things go and it just solidifies the fact that it's time to let go of the old. It is time for me to move forward with my new name. It is time for me to step into my big girl pants and be who I am truly meant to be. How exciting.

So with all of that said....watch out world, here I come.

Love,

Phoenix LeFae

Teaching the Pagan Way

So I had my first teaching experience this past weekend. I student taught a class called Elements of Magic. It is based off of the Reclaiming Tradition of Witchcraft and is their prerequisite for other classes that are offered in the tradition.

Ten years ago I had multiple opportunities to take this class, but I felt that it was 'below me'. I didn't want to take a class that taught the fundamentals of a practice I was already familiar with, so I scoffed and moved on. Not taking the intro class meant that I was not able to take other more challenging classes, but my pride would not scoot over enough for me to actually start at *gasp* entry level.

Fast forward nine years and you will see me finally taking the Elements of Magic class almost exactly one year ago this past weekend. Tired of playing the solitary practitioner game I finally decided to reach out to the Pagan community in my area, by way of Reclaiming. The teachers had changed, as had many of the community members. People that I had met ten years ago had moved on to other places and that ended up being a really good thing for me.

Was Elements life changing for me? Well in a word, yes. I did not learn anything earth shattering about myself during that intensive weekend, but I did learn many things that I was able to fold into my personal practice. I did start getting more and more involved with my local community and I did end up forming and amazing Circle with two women who were also in the class with me.

A year has passed since that fateful weekend and now I have become the teacher (well student teacher for now anyway). I helped to lead a class that ten years ago I felt was beneath me. It was an honor and privilege to work with the two beautiful women who have taught me so much over this last year. And it was way more exhausting than I thought it would be....

After taking so many workshops and classes I have always thought that the teachers have it easy. I figured their hard work was in the prep....putting the class together, figuring out what activities will take place, all of the set up. I was surprised to find that teaching, even co- or student teaching, is exhausting. So much more so than attending. I have a new respect for those that I have taken classes from.

So now a new beginning. I have one class under my belt and I look forward to many more in the future. Riding a new wave with promising possibilities.

Holy Crap it's 2010...almost

I cannot even believe how long it has been since I have written a post. I am shocked and appalled with myself. Well, not really. I have been busy with other things. Plus, it is that time of year where people forget their responsibilities and turn into a frothy, maniacal, consumer. All of that is about to end on Thursday night, or perhaps the following Monday, depending on if you have to drive kids to school.

I have always enjoyed New Year's Eve, even as a small child I appreciated the excuse to party. I loved seeing my parents and their friends get schnockered and sing and dance and let us kids do whatever the heck we wanted for a whole night. As I got older the pressure of really celebrating New Year's Eve started to rear its ugly head.

There is a lot of pressure in our society to party hardy on New Year's. If you are not having fun, you are missing out. If you are being mellow and watching Dick Clark on the davenport while sipping on ginger ale, you are not really enjoying the holiday spirit. Go Big, or go home. How American, no?

As a Pagan I have always looked at Samhain as my New Year's. That is when I set my goals for the coming year. That is when I re-assess where I am headed and really look at what I need to change. The actual "New Year" has really just been a great excuse to party.

But something happened this year. I was sick at Samhain (as you might have heard me whine about already....I am over it now....mostly). My Samhain celebration was not what I expected or planned and I ended up sort of missing the boat on what I needed to do for my annual goal setting. I felt that after the High Holiday I would hit the ground running, really putting my all into ALL the things that I want to accomplish.....but that didn't even remotely happen.

After Samhain I dragged my ass. I stalled. I found excuses to not work on my dreams. I got sidetracked by the allure of money (it is hard not to...). I let myself get caught up in what I "should" be doing and not in what I want to be doing. All of this lead to me freezing up and not moving at all. When I should have started to take my first steps I was frozen and overwhelmed still at the starting line.

So now I find myself staring down the barrel of 2010. A whole decade has passed in the blink of an eye. All of a sudden, all of the feelings I was expecting to be going through at Samhain I am going through now...All of the projects I expected to start in November I am starting at the end of December.

How very "typical" of me.....Better late than never. Although you still aren't going to hear me listing my 'Resolutions' anytime soon.

What's Wrong with Obsession?

I jokingly refer to myself as easily obsessed. I am starting to see that it's not really a joke. For example in high school I really, I mean really, loved the movie The Lion King. I loved it so much I watched it seven times in the theatre, seven times. I collected action figures and happy meal toys. I had a wide array of all things Lion King, that no one was allowed touch. I knew all the words to all the songs, both versions. I was just a little obsessed.

Later my love for all things Stephen King colored my obsession. I started talking like some of the characters in his books, dropping phrases like "thankee-sai" and "my little cully" into conversation with people that had no idea what I was talking about. I signed up for a online fansite. I wrote him a letter and enclosed my picture in case he wanted to write me into one of his stories. (By the way...check out the last book of the Dark Tower series...there is a red-headed girl named 'Dani'...coincidence? I think not.)

These obsessions can be for a person, a movie, a book, almost anything really. I have never felt that it was ever taken to an unhealthy level. I mean it is not like I don't eat, or bathe, or could get arrested....(With the exception of the damn Twilight books where I wasn't so good about eating that week.) I have always figured no harm, no foul.

But since doing the work of the Iron and Pearl Pentacles (and really with the prodding of my partner) I have started to look at my obsessions a little bit differently.

In the past I always looked at my obsessions as distractions from reality. When my life is too mundane or boring I can drift away into a movie, or book and live vicariously through a character whose life is much more interesting and vibrant than mine is. But now I am starting to see my obsession with the vantage point of Iron and Pearl. Obsession is the gilt or gilded aspect of the 'Passion' point of the pentacle. Which leads me to ask myself...why do I take my passion to the point of obsession? How do I get my passion back in balance to where it serves me and the world, instead of me serving it. How do I get my passion to fuel me with fire and get me moving, instead of keeping me locked away in a cave muttering about my precious.

It seems this is my current task. If I can unlock this riddle I have no doubt wondrous things are waiting on the other side. That in itself fills me with passion.

Being Sick Sucks, or Why I Missed the Spiral Dance

A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with mono. Pretty lame for a 30 year old woman to have mono, but whatever, it is water under the bridge now. It took a long time for me to get better. Months in fact. Mono has left me with a specific form of PDST, post traumatic stress disorder that I totally made up....Whenever I even feel the slightest tickle in my throat I start to worry that it is mono coming back to get me...or worse EBV rearing its ugly head! OH NO!


Over this last summer I finally started to feel in control again. I went six months without getting sick. Not a sniffle, not a cough, nothing. I was happy to be well again and I vowed to never take my health for granted.


At the beginning of October my partner came down with the flu. I started to super dose myself with vitamin C, echinacea, all the stuff you are supposed to do to not get sick. I did end up getting the bug he had, but a much more mild version of it. He ended up being really sick for several days where I was just a little down for a day or two. I was so happy and so relieved.

But two weeks later...the week before Samhain to be exact I start to feel like I had the flu, again. It started on Wednesday and I figured, ok, I will just rest this out and by Saturday I will be all better, right? Wrong! Wednesday was no fun, Thursday was worse, on Friday I cried as I forced myself to eat oatmeal alone on the couch watching daytime T.V. But I held out that Saturday would be ok, Saturday would be my golden return to civilization.


Because you see Saturday was Samhain. Saturday was the 30th anniversary of the Spiral Dance in San Francisco. Saturday I was going to wear the cutest Mad Hatter costume EVER! Not only was it going to be a big, fun, public Reclaiming ritual, and all my friends in the community were going to be there, but I was also supposed to help and put up the Student Altar.


Saturday rolled around and I debated going to the ritual all day long. I still felt like crap, but I thought I might be able to force my way through it. If I just didn't cough and used hand sanitizer every five minutes I wouldn't get anyone else sick either....but in the end my logic won out and I stayed home, alone on Halloween.


When my co-horts left for the ritual the first thing I did was have a good cry. I really let it go, really felt sorry for myself, really wallowed in it for awhile. I even called my mom and had her bring my french fries, but she didn't come in the house since I was so sick. Then I realized that I still had responsibilities to bear on the night when the veil is thinnest.


I had brought home all the written names of the Beloved Dead from our local public ritual. I had promised to dispose of them with the love and honor they deserved. So in a moment of strength with a belly full of amazing french fries I cast a circle around my house. I took my cauldron and headed out into my backyard with a lighter and the slips of paper.


I sat on the stoop amongst all the fallen leaves from my tree in the yard. It was dark, but the almost full moon allowed me to see quite clearly the names lovingly written at the ritual from the previous weekend. I read each one out loud for the moon to hear and the set each paper on fire placing it in my cauldron watching the smoke fill my yard like fog.


Ironically, or maybe not, the last name on the last slip of paper was the one that I had written. The name of my beloved dead.


Am I sad that I didn't make it to the Spiral Dance? Yes. I am wicked annoyed that I still feel like crap? Um, YES! But my Samhain ended up being just perfect.

Damn You T.V.!!!!

When I posted my last blog saying good-bye to my television I never would have guessed that it would become the topic of a second even more pathetic blog....Yet here I am!

There has only been one time in the past that I lived without cable television. Many, many moons ago when I lived out on the river, I didn't have cable. The reason for this was two-fold. 1) I could not really afford another bill, and 2) I was like, a totally anti-television hippy, yo. I think the no television stint only lasted about four months before I finally broke down and got cable. (Obviously not a very good, like, total, anti-television hippy, yo.)

Now this time I have only taken the T.V. out of my bedroom, it is not like I have cancelled the cable completely (cause the kids would kill me). But I have been feeling such a pathetic longing for the freakin T.V. it is making me crazy!

The thing is I don't even watch that much T.V. I don't know the story lines of any popular shows. I have never seen Desperate Housewives, or Dancing with the Stars, or whatever is raking in the rating right now. I just like to have the Tube on in the background. I like the noise of it. I like to have the little flashing lights in the darkness of my bedroom as I am falling asleep. I understand that having that constant flash and noise is actually not really good for the brain and sleep. I understand that the television is a total distraction. Helping me avoid dealing with my issues, or work.

So, what is the point?

Television has become a drug for me that takes my attention away from the crap that I don't want to look at. Sometimes for only half an hour, sometimes an hour and sometimes all darn day. It is like any other drug when abused. People become addicted to the drink, marijuana, coke, meth, whatever, because it helps them to dull the pain, and avoid dealing with reality. I think that T.V. does the same thing for me. I can get hooked into the lives and drama of the people in the glowing box, allowing me to not feel my feelings, or look at my shadows....instead I can just look and theirs, which is so much easier after all.

This last year has been a year of tremendous growth for me, spiritually speaking. I am stretching in ways that I have always wanted to, but didn't think possible. It is so exciting and so scary. I have worked myself into a place of spiritual rawness. Sometimes it feels amazing to be able to breathe without my home made cloak of B.S. wrapped around me, but other times it is incredibly painful to take a breathe through the rawness of it.

Right now I am on a plateau, looking back at the vast expanse that I have crossed to get here. It is good, but I am exhausted. Instead of taking this time to reflect, celebrate, process what has brought me to this place, I am hiding in the story lines of Roseanne reruns.

I never thought that taking the T.V. out of my bedroom would reveal this hidden trove of personal crap, but the Gods work in mysterious ways.

Hello, my name is Red and I have a T.V. addiction.

Good-Bye My Love

Dear Day Time Television,

Everyone knows how much I love you. I love you so much one could consider it an obsession. I love your sense of humor. No matter how blue I might be feeling there is something you can show me to cheer me up and make me laugh. And on the other hand when I need to get some emotions out you always give me the space to cry. You are smart, funny, in touch with your feelings, clever, and generous....of course that depends on what channel I am watching.

Keeping all of that in mind there is something I need to tell you. We have to stop seeing each other.

I know, I know. I have said it before and have always ended up crawling back at a moment of weakness or boredom, but things are different this time. I see now that you are not just a huge waste of time, but a destructive relationship. I find myself sitting in front of your beautiful glowing box flipping through the channels until my eyes cross, letting hour after hour just float on by while my brain stops functioning. I mean yeah it feels good sometimes, but I think it is getting a little excessive.

You are starting to get in the way of my dreams and desires. Instead of working on the things I want to do in my greater life I am throwing my time away with you. You are not helping me advance and you don't really support me. Everything you have to offer is completely superficial. I need to stop letting you interfere and distract me from my goals.

So this is it. It will be hard. I know that I will be tempted, but you are getting kicked out of my bedroom and that is just the first step. It is time for me to say good-bye to Todd Manning, Marty Thornheart, Dorian Kramer and the whole crew at OLTL. It is time to shut down What Not to Wear. And the most difficult will be kissing the Charmed Sisters for the last time. You girls I will miss most of all. But trust me this is for the best.

With all my heart,

Red