Change - Can Your Relationships Survive?

I've recently been through a break up of sorts.  My longest held non-familial relationship is going through a serious rough patch.  What I mean is that my BFF (let's call her the Queen of Hearts or QoH for short) broke up with me.

Me and QoH have a long, silly, interesting, smart, creative, and often challenging relationship.  We became friends my sophomore year of high school.  We became friends in French class, after I got dumped by my first love.  QoH didn't really like me at first, but somehow we got past all of that.

In the 18 (holy cow!) years that we have been friends there have been times when we see each other every weekend and there have been times when we hardly talk for a year.  We've grown apart more than once, but somehow we've always managed to come back together. I could go into detail here, but really what is important is many times life took us in different directions. 

So, what's the point?  And, more importantly, what does this have to do with Paganism?  Hang on, I'm getting there.

I attended my first public ritual in 1995 with QoH.  In my beginning years of witchcraft we played at magick together.  We read rituals out of books and did little spells in her parent's living room.  We read tarot and dreamed of magick being more like the movies (well, maybe that was just me).  Over time my interest in Paganism deepened, while her's fizzled.

No biggie.

But in the last couple of years it has become a biggie.  Our lives have taken us in completely different directions again.  Although I feel that we still have a lot in common and we have a long history of love, there are a lot of differences too.

Part of this most recent growing away from each other has been related to me getting deeply involved in my spiritual community.  Because of the connections that I am making, some of my more mundane relationships have suffered.  In my search for spiritual community, I lost some of my personal community; the people who love me as Dani and don't know Phoenix.

I love my spiritual community and I am happy with the commitments that I have made to it.  Changes are going to happen and there is nothing that we can do to stop that, but life is all about balance.  I am okay with the two of us coming together and playing catch up because we are living different lives.  That actually feels really good to me, like coming home.  But it wasn't good for her.  She still needed the relationship that we used to have, the me that I used to be.

QoH isn't the same QoH that she used to be either, just like Phoenix isn't Dani anymore.  I get it in my head, but it doesn't change how yucky it feels in my heart.  I don't really know what the answer is on this one.

But I do know that going forward I will use all the lessons that we learned together on how to be friends.  I hope that we grow towards each other again, but I understand that might not happen.  And I know that the foundation we built together will continue to support the new relationships that will come into my life.

The World of Relationships

I decided to watch an episode of the popular 80's television show 'Thirtysomething'. I'm not really sure what over came me, but perhaps I thought that since I am "thirty something", it might have something to offer me. Alas, I was sadly mistaken.

In the pilot episode of this relationship drama, we are introduced to the main characters of the show. They are a married couple with a seven month old baby girl. The wife has decided to stay home to be with her daughter, because (as she states many times in the episode) she feel closer to her child then any other person. The husband, in the meantime, has started his own business and struggles to deal with following his dream. Throughout the pilot these two people try to figure out a way to fit into their new roles in life and somehow manage to still be happy. From what I gather, those two things can't happen at the same time.

As I watched this show I started to feel, well, sick. These two unfortunate people are forced into family dynamics that do not fulfill them. They do all of these things because it is what married people are supposed to do. Ugh!!!!!! All through the show the husband dreams of having an affair and the wife stresses about being a good mother. I am amazed I made it through the whole show! The typical nuclear family rears its ugly head.

Being a Pagan has helped me to open to the fact that there are many possibilities for intimate relationships. Many of which, I think, are overlooked in the dominant paradigm. Why are we expected to get married, have babies, and then give our all to our families? I know when I found out I was having a baby, eight years ago, I felt like my life was over. I worried that I wouldn't get to have fun anymore. I thought I was going to have to roll over, buy a minivan, and disappear into a life of meaningless suburban hell. Which is exactly what this television show reinforced.

I know that there are many people out there who want this family dream. They long to get married, have babies and become the soccer mom, and good for them! But I would ask if that is their true desire, or a lifetimes worth of social programming?

Through the Pagan community I have met people who explore intimacy and relationships on many different levels. The queer community, the poly community, and those who practice celibacy, have all taught me a lot about what it is to love and be loved. There is no one "right" way to do things.

My partner and I explore the labels of our relationship often. What works for the both of us today might not work anymore tomorrow. Relationships require work because each person needs to be an active participant. Each person needs to be living their own life, which will form the partnership, and not let the partnership tell them how to live their life in the world. If my partner expected me to become the 'stay at home mom' we would not make it very long. That is not who I am. That is nowhere near who I want to be.

These are by no means easy topics, with simple answers. I don't think there are ever simple answers. But it would be interesting to see a show exploring these deeper issues. A show that goes beyond the gossip and intrigue of 'The L Word', and the Mormon tones of 'Big Love'. It would be interesting to see a healthy poly person exploring the world. I know they exist.

So for now I have decided that 'Thirtysomething' is not for me. And if that is what it means to be "thirty something", I will stick to 29 until all the craziness is over.